Memento Mori: June 2024

For as non-stop as May was, I did enjoy most of it because it involved celebrating my daughter... and also seeing her friends do things I normally don't get to observe.

I used to tell people there were only 5 things that were important to me (and not necessarily in this order):

1. my books

2. my money

3. my food

4. my friends

5. my family

and while these things might seem self-centered, they branch out to a LOT of things that affect any human being that cares about existing with others. If I protect these things for myself, I have a social responsibility to protect these things for others. As I take inventory of my life, I realize my actions tend to align with things that are connected to one or all of these things.

For instance, if I give a fuck about my child, I MUST also care about other children. I thought about this as I was swamped with a shitload of work and Bug reminded me of the time her friends band concert was going to start. She had let me know ahead of time, instead of waiting until the last minute (like I've asked her to do in the past). I had even put it on my calendar to remind myself. I was also aware that I had to attend in order for her to go... no children allowed without an adult.

Did I mention I was swamped with work? I also had a meeting that overlapped with the beginning of the concert... but I'm big on keeping my word. If nothing's physically preventing me from doing what I said I'd do, I'll figure some shit out to make it happen. I'm mentioning all of this because it's related to the intentional living I've committed to as I write out every month of my life until my last breath.

One day I might need to remind myself of the more important things... because I'm human and can get distracted like anyone else. My daughter is something like a North Star for me; I mentally lose my way far more than it seems. It ain't hard to do with all the daily worldwide fuckery going on. I digress...

I dropped Bug off at the entrance and looked for a parking spot where I could finish my meeting over the phone. Bug was able to see/hear everything from the beginning but I was about 15 minutes late from wrapping up my meeting. I'm so glad I didn't back out and tell Bug I couldn't take her. Three of her friends are first chair players, one being her best friend and I had no idea! All three won awards that same evening for various achievements and the music they played??? These children didn't sound like middle schoolers! I was impressed AND I got to enjoy live music (they played music from Harry Potter and Star Wars!!!).

I also got an opportunity to be present for other children who know me. It never hurts to show up for any kid, no matter how small we think our presence is... kids need support too.

But that's because I reminded myself of what's MOST important... my daughter. No matter how big or small, honoring our commitments is how we build trust. Failing to keep our word is also how trust starts to break down. And it usually starts with things like "I'm busy" as a reason to not do something I already said I would do. I could have reasoned, like most adults do, that what I'm doing is far more important than listening to children play musical instruments. I would be minimizing a lot more than my daughter's friend's performance. I'd be sending an intentional message that it's okay for me to not keep my word whenever I felt like it.

In the years I have left to live, I want to spend most of my time with people I care about and who care about me. So, this is a way I keep my word to myself too. Yes, the work I was doing puts food on the table and the meeting I was having will contribute to future meals on the table BUT I want Bug sitting at that table with me. Failed acknowledgement, not keeping my word, minimizing her presence, and not spending valuable quality time with her will leave me at a table by myself. Because, believe it or not, this behavior doesn't just get applied to my daughter. If I don't take my word seriously while engaging her, it's far easier to dismiss adults under the guise that we're busy living our lives.

You know how easy it is?

I can blame everything on how busy my job is, BECAUSE I DO WORK HELLA MUCH. I can blame it on my graduate studies, BECAUSE BEING A FULL-TIME GRAD STUDENT WHILE WORKING FULL-TIME KEEPS ME HELLA BUSY. I could also blame not having time on being a single mother, because that's a full-time job 24/7/365. But I choose not to because I CAN AND DO make time for the things and people I repeatedly say are important to me.

And that's what the entire month of May was about... being intentional with where my time was spent AND with who. It didn't matter if it was 5 seconds, 5 minutes, 5 hours, or 5 days. And I'm better off for it because it reassured me that I can STILL do hard things... especially as the month of June presents more things I'm being intentional about. I hope whoever reads this remembers their commitments to themselves and those they claim to care about. May this also serve as a reminder to myself, stamped in time, a point of reference outside of my North Star... to keep being intentional with this life I have left to live.

Looking forward to all of June...

Memento Mori: May 2024

12 days into the month of May and it just so happens to be Mother’s Day.

Life’s been so non-stop that I didn’t realize I hadn’t written my monthly memento until last week. I started writing it but everything that I wrote wasn’t really anything I felt like posting.

So here’s to the month of May and hoping it ends better than it started.

Memento Mori: April 2024

March ended as quickly as it began and now we have April.

I’ve written about four different posts for this Memento Mori but erased them all.

It feels forced so this might read as one big ramble.

Today is April Fools’ Day but it’s not giving jokes, at all.

It’s almost like if we aren’t taking everything straight-faced serious, we can’t possibly care about all the problems enough. I committed to living as well-rounded a life as humanly possible. Feeling one particular way for long periods of time doesn’t suit me because it doesn’t feel real. Throughout the course of a day, I want to experience as many emotions as possible and then process them all but in as healthy a way as possible. Constant war, family dysfunction, work dysfunction, unstable relationships, finances, chronic illness, and random bullshit doesn’t leave much room for that kind of experience. So, I’m acknowledging this is where intention comes into play.

We have 24 hours in a day and I want most of those hours to contribute to growth.

March was heavy for a multitude of reasons that trickle into April every year. The difference with this year is that I just let myself feel however I wanted to. I didn’t change anything to get myself to shift out or away from the sadness. It’s an annual thing and maybe it will eventually become less prominent in what affects me the deepest. Until then, I take it as a sign to slow down and rest. Mainly because my brain needs to. This is also a reminder to myself for the entire month of April; any time I need to myself, I need to take it.

Speaking of time to myself, I had a bit of free time the other day while I was waiting on the kiddo. So, I went to my favorite comic book shop and saw this:

Memento Mori by Tiitu Takalo

Yes, that looks a little concerning but it’s a graphic novel memoir of the author chronicling their road to recovery after having an unexpected brain hemorrhage. It was not part of my book haul that day but it made my growing list of books to buy. Despite me writing a Memento Mori every month and not being afraid of death, I still have to be in a specific mood to absorb that kind of material. After thumbing through it in the store, it reminded me that I decided to keep the monthly mementos going because sudden, unexpected shit happens to all of us. These months, whether I share a lot or a little, is a reminder to me that I’m still going.

April will be another month of growth because that’s what I will be doing until the day I die.

But right now, this is all I got to give. Until next month…

Memento Mori: March 2024

January was full of anxiety and February started off with the same energy. I am grateful that I was able to woosah long enough to catch my breath and shift into a space that gave me the opportunity to step away from that anxiety.

I didn’t smoke any cigarettes either. I did drink more coffee than usual but let’s pretend caffiene is better than nicotine for the time being. Last month I randomly mentioned the #7 and its significance and then said nothing else about it for the rest of my post. It was one of those moments where I had to write it out of my head because it was blocking the flow of everything else I wanted to say. HOWEVER, we’re circling back because February was full of revelations, epiphanies, and cultivated seeds sprouting tiny, green leaves of fruition.

I had so many meaningful conversations during those 29 days that I began to wonder how many more wonderful conversations were left to have throughout the rest of 2024. That wasn’t an anxiety laced wonder but one of curiosity. I am getting more and more comfortable with leaning into my intuition over forcing myself to center logic. It has been nothing but intuition that has led me to doing things that make me feel good. Logic has definitely kept me alive but my life shouldn’t just be surviving. As a Black woman, there will not be any time soon when I can completely go from surviving to thriving. I will not create that delusion for myself. HOWEVER, there is room to enjoy life when I can. There is room to thrive, where I can. My intuition has kept me from answering calls that will drain me but it’s also prompted me to answer calls I usually wouldn’t because of the illusion that I’m too busy to take the call. Every decision has been worth it, even if it was just to maintain my peace for the day.

While some people might consider their past to be nothing worth remembering, there are moments from previous years that I truly enjoyed. There were aspects of my younger self that I admired, loved, and never saw myself without… until I was convinced that I needed to leave those parts behind in favor of becoming someone else more palatable. Digestible for what and to who? Someone who isn’t even a staple in my life. I often think about losing myself and never getting back to loving me to the point that I never lose myself again. There was a time when I felt like I was fading away into the shadow of someone else, despite knowing I radiated a light they could never truly put out. But, our brains can sometimes tell us stories that are untrue. I almost believed the stories fed to me. My brain almost made them my reality but there was another part of me still fighting for the truth.

My younger self was always good at clinging to the truth about everything and everyone. I valued it and thought I’d never let it go. Somewhere on this confusing life road I started believing the lie that it’s okay to believe things that are untrue because that’s how you make unreal things, real. I am glad I clawed my way out of that confusion and mess. It was an experience that has scared me enough to know I’ll do everything in my power to not end up there again. One of the ways I know how to seal the deal of not returning to a shitshow is to elevate all the things I was told I needed to change. I was told to change things about myself that were considered unattractive and difficult traits. They weren’t. Those traits helped make me the smart, strong, decisive, determined woman I am today. It prevented people from being able to linger where they didn’t belong in my life. It was like a personal repellent… and it has been working well, lately.

Fullness, completeness, insightfulness, intuition, honesty, introspection, intellectualism, and wisdom. These are all things that have resonated throughout February and effortlessly flowed into March. I have also been paying attention to how I feel and as I change who I spend my time with, I am noticing that I am feeling better… and lighter. It’s reassurance that my changes are necessary and part of my forward movement.

I saw a post on Instagram that said:

“Perhaps this next stage has more to do with who & what you’re choosing to grow with, rather than who & what you’re letting go of”

and it was a Eureka! moment. It’s been common for me to fixate on who and what I am losing or must let go of. I am accepting that sometimes that really is the least of my concerns. That isn’t to downplay that loss can be devastating, depending on who/what I lose. But, I really do think my focus is supposed to be on what I stand to gain in this season. The loss is inevitable. It’s going to happen but I still maintain this feeling of curious wonder rather than anxiety filled wonder. I have this undeniable feeling that all the loss and L’s I’ve experienced in the last 15 years will be outshined by the blessings, change, and love I will soon come to have. I am looking forward to seeing a lot of things unfold and I desire to be around people who are curious to watch with me. People who will cheer me on, be eager to celebrate WITH AND FOR me, and include me in all their joy too. So, here’s to the memento mori of March and all the wonderful things that will bloom throughout this year.

I’m ready :-)

Memento Mori: February 2024

I haven’t smoked a cigarette in 7 years.

The number 7 signifies fullness, completeness, but also insight, intuition, honesty, introspection, intellectualism, and wisdom.

During the month of January, I constantly thought about smoking a cigarette, if for nothing else but to take the edge off of life. I was close to even asking a coworker for one of theirs as I watched them puff away during the work trip. My brain wanted to ask them twice for a cigarette but that same damn brain reminded me that strokes are very real for people who smoke with my chronic illness. Yes, Memento Mori is a reminder that I must die (so live it up!) but that’s eventually AND it doesn’t have to be a slow OR a quick suicide. I can just let life play out and see where it ultimately takes me… so, I didn’t ask for the cigarette. I thought I left that fleeting thought in South Carolina on 1/24/2024 but it came back three days later as my anxiety escalated.

And I have been thinking about cigarettes everyday for the last week.

I started smoking because my anxiety had reached an all time high and there was no way to tone it down. Drinking used to work but that will draw the light closer and leave my child motherless so I tread lightly with liquor. I 100% understand the addictive nature of nicotine because one hit and it slows EVERYTHING down to a tolerable level. My hands stop shaking, the migraine creeping up the back of my skull subsides, the churning in my gut settles, and most importantly, my brain calms the fuck down. It’s an instant fix but an extremely temporary one, hence the habit forming.

I’m not going to smoke BUT this is a lie free space so I’m saying I still want to.

I had a lumpectomy last month and only took a week off work when I should have taken off three. In the month of January, I had to close out the month of December, the last quarter of year, and the rest of the year, right before my surgery. As soon as I came back I had to get hella shit in order before the annual company trip. Took off for that trip a couple of weeks after the surgery and now I’m sick with what feels like a sinus infection/COVID. My energy reserves are depleted and I’m getting a reminder everyday from my body that I cannot push myself like I used to. For one, I’m not 100% healed from my surgery so this isn’t necessarily the smartest course of action but viable options are not plenty in my world. Did I mention I’m also in grad school?

I am a ragdoll who’s been sewing herself back together since she was a live girl.

Due to some articulation skills, I can intellectualize my feelings. This ability has often caused people to think that whatever I’m experiencing isn’t THAT bad. What a lot of people are used to seeing from a person with (complex) PTSD is incoherence and erratic behavior that aligns with words like “crazy” and “unhinged.” However, intellectualizing feelings is not the same as actually processing shit and dealing with it and that’s where the severe anxiety enters the room yearning for a nicotine fix.

A friend acknowledged that my body has been through it for the last few years. That’s been to her knowledge and I appreciate her seeing me and not following it up with some half-ass anecdote that dismisses the validity of my experience. It was a small gesture of kindness BUT it STILL mattered. We’re often told that tough times don’t last forever and while that is definitely a fact, define forever. If tough times are consistently present until my final memento, that was my forever. So, if I look at 2012-2024 of unprocessed shit there’s an abusive marriage, family estrangement, an abortion, begging for a divorce that wouldn’t be finalized until 10 years later, becoming a single mother, several layoffs, family deaths, a couple death scares, several surgeries, dreams deferred, friendships lost, cancer rearing its ugly head, a pandemic, moving across country during a pandemic, having to use up all the life/house savings to survive, a divorce, a dead parent, and the rest of the world being on fire around me, simultaneously.

These last 12 years have been their own damn forever.

So I would like for February to talk to me nicely. I don’t have the energy to plead for more but should more good shit come my way, I’ll take it. Universe, please know this isn’t me saying to pull the final curtain. I’m saying cut me some fucking slack and issue in some wins that cancel out some of this mental and physical anguish.

Life’s a lot to hold right now.

I still want a fucking cigarette.