Memento Mori: March 2024
January was full of anxiety and February started off with the same energy. I am grateful that I was able to woosah long enough to catch my breath and shift into a space that gave me the opportunity to step away from that anxiety.
I didn’t smoke any cigarettes either. I did drink more coffee than usual but let’s pretend caffiene is better than nicotine for the time being. Last month I randomly mentioned the #7 and its significance and then said nothing else about it for the rest of my post. It was one of those moments where I had to write it out of my head because it was blocking the flow of everything else I wanted to say. HOWEVER, we’re circling back because February was full of revelations, epiphanies, and cultivated seeds sprouting tiny, green leaves of fruition.
I had so many meaningful conversations during those 29 days that I began to wonder how many more wonderful conversations were left to have throughout the rest of 2024. That wasn’t an anxiety laced wonder but one of curiosity. I am getting more and more comfortable with leaning into my intuition over forcing myself to center logic. It has been nothing but intuition that has led me to doing things that make me feel good. Logic has definitely kept me alive but my life shouldn’t just be surviving. As a Black woman, there will not be any time soon when I can completely go from surviving to thriving. I will not create that delusion for myself. HOWEVER, there is room to enjoy life when I can. There is room to thrive, where I can. My intuition has kept me from answering calls that will drain me but it’s also prompted me to answer calls I usually wouldn’t because of the illusion that I’m too busy to take the call. Every decision has been worth it, even if it was just to maintain my peace for the day.
While some people might consider their past to be nothing worth remembering, there are moments from previous years that I truly enjoyed. There were aspects of my younger self that I admired, loved, and never saw myself without… until I was convinced that I needed to leave those parts behind in favor of becoming someone else more palatable. Digestible for what and to who? Someone who isn’t even a staple in my life. I often think about losing myself and never getting back to loving me to the point that I never lose myself again. There was a time when I felt like I was fading away into the shadow of someone else, despite knowing I radiated a light they could never truly put out. But, our brains can sometimes tell us stories that are untrue. I almost believed the stories fed to me. My brain almost made them my reality but there was another part of me still fighting for the truth.
My younger self was always good at clinging to the truth about everything and everyone. I valued it and thought I’d never let it go. Somewhere on this confusing life road I started believing the lie that it’s okay to believe things that are untrue because that’s how you make unreal things, real. I am glad I clawed my way out of that confusion and mess. It was an experience that has scared me enough to know I’ll do everything in my power to not end up there again. One of the ways I know how to seal the deal of not returning to a shitshow is to elevate all the things I was told I needed to change. I was told to change things about myself that were considered unattractive and difficult traits. They weren’t. Those traits helped make me the smart, strong, decisive, determined woman I am today. It prevented people from being able to linger where they didn’t belong in my life. It was like a personal repellent… and it has been working well, lately.
Fullness, completeness, insightfulness, intuition, honesty, introspection, intellectualism, and wisdom. These are all things that have resonated throughout February and effortlessly flowed into March. I have also been paying attention to how I feel and as I change who I spend my time with, I am noticing that I am feeling better… and lighter. It’s reassurance that my changes are necessary and part of my forward movement.
I saw a post on Instagram that said:
“Perhaps this next stage has more to do with who & what you’re choosing to grow with, rather than who & what you’re letting go of”
and it was a Eureka! moment. It’s been common for me to fixate on who and what I am losing or must let go of. I am accepting that sometimes that really is the least of my concerns. That isn’t to downplay that loss can be devastating, depending on who/what I lose. But, I really do think my focus is supposed to be on what I stand to gain in this season. The loss is inevitable. It’s going to happen but I still maintain this feeling of curious wonder rather than anxiety filled wonder. I have this undeniable feeling that all the loss and L’s I’ve experienced in the last 15 years will be outshined by the blessings, change, and love I will soon come to have. I am looking forward to seeing a lot of things unfold and I desire to be around people who are curious to watch with me. People who will cheer me on, be eager to celebrate WITH AND FOR me, and include me in all their joy too. So, here’s to the memento mori of March and all the wonderful things that will bloom throughout this year.
I’m ready :-)
