Memento Mori - October 2024

Blue Valentine - A limitless potential
Created by Eva Gamayun

I sneezed and September was over.

A lot happened in that blink of time though… the daughter turned 15 years old. I don’t think that I’ll ever get used to being HER mother. I don’t wear the clothing of parenthood as this thing that defines who I am… and I think that’s why it still feels odd to call her “mine.” Maybe some parents do feel like they own their children, hence their possessiveness… but I still don’t feel it. I DO feel like I have a huge responsibility attached to the rest of my life BECAUSE I made the wild ass decision to let life enter this world through me… but it’s a responsibility I keep finding the courage to honor… because I want to…. because she’s worth it.

I don’t view motherhood/parenthood SPECIFICALLY as an obligatory crushing weight. It’s more of a chosen commitment that should never be broken. Do I have the option to break this covenant? Sure. There are breeders and penis wielders who do it everyday without even batting an eye. The creation of a child means nothing to them beyond the fact that another person exists in the world because they had sex. I still carry the pregnancy test with me everywhere I go…it serves as a reminder of many things but mainly that I CHOSE to be a mother… because at any point, I CAN choose not to be…. I also think about what that would mean to her if I just gave up because some shit got hard. It’s the worst kind of coward I could ever choose to be.

Even in my worst mental moments of life since the kiddo has been born though, my brain refuses to let me seriously entertain living without her. My lifelong buddies, A&D, have done their best to convince me that Bug would be better off without me. However, that’s MOSTLY when they hang out with SI too long. SI is that one “friend” that lives in the quotations because they’re not a real friend to anyone even though they never seem to really go away. They tell all of us things that aren’t true, encourage the worst of behavior, and support fuckery that typically wouldn’t have space to chill. There’s a part of my brain that wholeheartedly believes SI is the worst enemy I’ve ever had…but SI remains familiar.

I’ve been ignoring the nagging spirit of SI lately, especially during the blink of September… but it’s hard because this is when seasonal moods start lurking in the shadows a little longer than usual. The more I sit with why it starts in September, the more I have to acknowledge how much of an insidious ass heaux Capitalism is… another presence that can’t be avoided no matter how hard I try. Every day of September took me from contentment to meh and then from there to exhaustion and frustration, with a dash of existential dread because it isn’t JUST my world that’s up in flames (figuratively and literally). Everyday there was something that added to the layers of this gloomy and doom filled picture of life.

But then there were moments that assured me it wasn’t ALL bad. The happiness about being a year older was also sprinkled throughout the entire month of September. Those sprinklings nudged me away from SI’s fonky ass who had cleverly slipped their arm in mine, like they were going to sit around and stay for a minute. I think this is why it’s so important to make sure you KEEP joy in your life… whatever shape or form it is, make sure you do whatever is necessary to maintain it. For me, I remind myself to laugh at least once a day. It might seem insignificant BUT there hasn’t been a time when I was laughing that I actually WANTED to be hanging out with A&D or SI. My brain does this weird thing where it looks for more things to laugh and smile about. Before I know it, those intrusive ass thoughts have simmered down to make room for hopefulness and gratitude.

This is my brain everyday. Sounds exhausting BECAUSE IT IS.

However, doing things like writing these Memento Mori’s are reminders that everything isn’t all bad, all the time.

I closed out September managing intrusive thoughts BUT ALSO making space for whatever slivers of joy could seep into this raggedy ass life. Yes, it’s a daily juggling act but I think it’s one I keep doing because there ARE days when the good outweighs the bad. And that’s what I look forward to in October, November, December, and the years to come in my life.

I don’t want SI getting too comfortable during holiday season so look forward to the next few months being about all the things I enjoy, love, like, and want more of in my life. Until then, I’ll be living as best I can. I hope the same for anyone reading this…

Memento Mori: August & September 2024

I’d be lying if I said things to be remembered aren’t carrying over into the month of August. It carried over so much that I didn’t feel compelled to post anything for that post. I purposely waited until my September post so I guess you can say this is a 2 for 1. Might be kind of lengthy too so…

The political climate played a big part in me not wanting to share anything I wrote. The older I become the more I see that whether I want to be involved in politics or not, ALL of our existences are affected by ALL of the people running this godforsaken country. Whether it is on a local, state, or federal level, all forms of government are detrimental to us right now. It sickens me to see our entire country being run by CONGRESS while we sit and fight among each other about who is worse for us… the Black woman or the white Supremacist.

People are scared for a multitude of reasons; some valid and some wildly irrational. We live in a country that doggedly prioritizes profit over people and we have a government that is supposed to be of consistent service to the people but instead operates like a business. Necessary budgets for the growth of humanity are extinguished in the dead of night while other budgets that should be more closely monitored for improperly allocated funds, are protected from proper auditing. This entire country focuses on money, while demanding to know why there is poverty, poor physical/mental health, a housing crisis, broken families, and struggling communities. For everything to be about money, it’s odd for this to not be acknowledged when talking about the collapse of society. It’s always going to point to excessive use of funding in the wrong areas… and greed.

I bring this up in my Memento Mori because I want this moment to be remembered with clarity.

I don’t want to forget the disdain I have for willful ignorance. I don’t want to forget the selfishness we’re exhibiting in our constant display of self-interest being more important than our collective responsibility to community. I want a point of reference should I lose my way in this capitalistic nightmarish hellscape of survival.

While keeping this in the forefront of my mind, I’m also making room to take care of mental state and not letting this consume me to the point of my own health failing. How have I been managing to do this? Limiting my use of social media even more, while redirecting my focus when I am checking in… and sharing less of my thoughts publicly online. I’ve still been writing but once we make something public, we invite others to have an opinion. Yes, I know we can say meaningless shit like “MY PAGE/PROFILE, MY RULES!” but when we make our thoughts/content/lives available to others the only thing we can choose is whether we respond… or turn off all the comments. Either way, I could have just kept my words to myself if I REALLY didn’t want outside views. And it’s okay to want our words just for ourselves… because I also sometimes don’t feel like reminding anyone that no one MUST respect other opinions, warranted or otherwise.

Moving on…

There are so many things I want to accomplish before I say my final goodbye to this earthly existence. I’m in my second half of life and despite the world being in flames around me, I think I still have a little space left to enjoy some life. Before we get to 100% survival of the apocalypse and dystopian society Octavia Butler prophesied about in her writings, I can still make attempts to thrive.

During the month of July, I had meaningful conversations with friends that I will never forget. Talking about family, friends, trauma, parenting, our worst fears, our unlived dreams. What is etched in my memory is how their voices sounded as they talked about their hopes and fears; their faces as they contorted from hopelessness to excitement and from exhaustion to acceptance. These are priceless memories that effortlessly bled into August.

As I keep doing the work to heal the parts of me that hurt the most, it’s getting easier to spend less time ruminating on tough conversations I need to have. It’s getting easier to choose better for myself instead of falling back into what’s familiar. What’s surprised me the most is how easy it’s becoming to LET GO without my usual diet of emotional suppression added to the recipe of detachment. When I was younger, I used to quickly let go and move on… or at least that’s what I was telling myself so I wouldn’t have to accept how deeply my feelings were hurt. Suppression should have been my middle name. However, you can only push shit down so much before it starts corrupting parts of yourself you don’t want tampered with… I often say my daughter has been my major catalyst for change and I mean it 100%.

I don’t think I should keep her as a crutch for my progress because that isn’t consistently healthy. What happens when she no longer needs me as an example of decency the way she does now? Then what reason will I have to stay physically/mentally healthy? What would stop me from going back to the dysfunction I knew best? As I’ve changed my habits and patterns it becomes more clear that there’s a reason that people change AND ONLY MAINTAIN THEIR CHANGE when they do it for themselves instead of another person. These last few months have been full of me accepting that even though my daughter was the reason for my change, I’m the reason I don’t go back to what’s comfortable, easy, and familiar. All this work I’ve done over the last 15 years… I think about how it will literally be for nothing if I don’t accept that I continue to do this for myself. As I tackle all of the hard things and don’t feel completely torn to shreds inside anymore, I accept that I don’t want to feel the opposite of this ever again. I’ve gotten to a place of developing healthy emotional processes, space to feel whatever I want for however long I need to, and freedom to move on from people who don’t want a healthier version of me. It’s no longer optional. It’s a necessity.

And THIS is why I KNOW I can let go of anything and everyone that is no longer good for me.

That’s really what July, August, and hopefully September will continue to be about.

LETTING GO AND MOVING ON… to whatever better I can grasp for myself.

Memento Mori: July 2024

The year is officially half way over.

There’s something terrifying going on everyday that’s associated with politics and it nudges my anxiety far more than I like. Politics are sucking up the air and life of anyone who actually gives a fuck. As June came to an end, I noticed myself kind of dreading writing this memento because it was becoming difficult to look forward to anything. However…

…I redirected my thinking to why I started writing these mementos in the first place. My decision wasn’t based on the political climate and everything else wrong in the world. It was simply to remind myself of the life I have left to live and to annotate the life I’m currently living. It’s MY safe space and I’m free to write what I want remembered.

So, that’s what my focus will be in July… things to be remembered.

My daughter came home from camp a day before June ended and I want to always remember how she ran off the bus, smiling, to give me one of the biggest hugs ever. Two years in a row I’ve seen this genuine smile that makes me think of nothing else but how much I do miss her when she’s away. The break from 24/7 parenting was enjoyed but when she’s away, I’m reminded of how great a person she is BECAUSE she isn’t next to me. In her case, absence makes my heart grow fonder.

I went to Arizona to spend time with people I truly enjoy. I went to a wine tasting and out to dinner BUT the highlight of my trip was all of the conversations. I will remember these chats, the curiosity, the disagreements, the tears, the smiles, the hugs, and the peacefulness.

I turned my alarms off on my phone while I was on vacation. I will remember how it felt to not be tethered to time. I was so at peace that when I came back home and went to the chiropractor, I barely needed adjusting because of how relaxed my body had become. It reminded me that a life of leisure is probably how I can get a good additional 50 years out of this existence I refer to as my life.

One of my cousins who was 4 years younger than me passed away and his funeral was last week. I’m not close to anyone in my family except for my daughter and nephew so… it felt weird. I felt something but I don’t think it was what other people feel when a family member dies. It made me think a little too much about how I would feel if my daughter or nephew were to take their last breath and my heart seized up a bit. As much as that is something I don’t want to think about too much, it reminded me to finish getting my “life planning” in order. I sat down and finished up some important paperwork that I had been putting off for no other reason other than not wanting to be reminded that I’ll probably die before my daughter.

It’s a sobering thought but I want to remember who I value enough to care for my daughter should the necessary occur before I’m ready to take the eternal dirt nap. Some people I’ve thought cared about my daughter as much as me but as time has gone on it’s become evident that those people are far, few, and in between. Granted, no one will ever love her like I do BUT there are some people that I think get close enough. There are some that claim they do but my daughter is nothing more than an afterthought to them. It makes me remember that’s because I’m also an afterthought to them. I want to always remember that we both deserve better from people who say, “I love you.”

I want to remember all of the people that are worth ruminating over so that I forget all of those that don’t deserve to take up anymore space in my thoughts. I will remember how people make me feel, whether that be good, bad, or indifferent so I can actively choose to steer clear of anything and anyone that doesn’t contribute to positive growth. I will remember that regardless of what’s going on in the world, I still have this one life to finish living.

Memento Mori: June 2024

For as non-stop as May was, I did enjoy most of it because it involved celebrating my daughter... and also seeing her friends do things I normally don't get to observe.

I used to tell people there were only 5 things that were important to me (and not necessarily in this order):

1. my books

2. my money

3. my food

4. my friends

5. my family

and while these things might seem self-centered, they branch out to a LOT of things that affect any human being that cares about existing with others. If I protect these things for myself, I have a social responsibility to protect these things for others. As I take inventory of my life, I realize my actions tend to align with things that are connected to one or all of these things.

For instance, if I give a fuck about my child, I MUST also care about other children. I thought about this as I was swamped with a shitload of work and Bug reminded me of the time her friends band concert was going to start. She had let me know ahead of time, instead of waiting until the last minute (like I've asked her to do in the past). I had even put it on my calendar to remind myself. I was also aware that I had to attend in order for her to go... no children allowed without an adult.

Did I mention I was swamped with work? I also had a meeting that overlapped with the beginning of the concert... but I'm big on keeping my word. If nothing's physically preventing me from doing what I said I'd do, I'll figure some shit out to make it happen. I'm mentioning all of this because it's related to the intentional living I've committed to as I write out every month of my life until my last breath.

One day I might need to remind myself of the more important things... because I'm human and can get distracted like anyone else. My daughter is something like a North Star for me; I mentally lose my way far more than it seems. It ain't hard to do with all the daily worldwide fuckery going on. I digress...

I dropped Bug off at the entrance and looked for a parking spot where I could finish my meeting over the phone. Bug was able to see/hear everything from the beginning but I was about 15 minutes late from wrapping up my meeting. I'm so glad I didn't back out and tell Bug I couldn't take her. Three of her friends are first chair players, one being her best friend and I had no idea! All three won awards that same evening for various achievements and the music they played??? These children didn't sound like middle schoolers! I was impressed AND I got to enjoy live music (they played music from Harry Potter and Star Wars!!!).

I also got an opportunity to be present for other children who know me. It never hurts to show up for any kid, no matter how small we think our presence is... kids need support too.

But that's because I reminded myself of what's MOST important... my daughter. No matter how big or small, honoring our commitments is how we build trust. Failing to keep our word is also how trust starts to break down. And it usually starts with things like "I'm busy" as a reason to not do something I already said I would do. I could have reasoned, like most adults do, that what I'm doing is far more important than listening to children play musical instruments. I would be minimizing a lot more than my daughter's friend's performance. I'd be sending an intentional message that it's okay for me to not keep my word whenever I felt like it.

In the years I have left to live, I want to spend most of my time with people I care about and who care about me. So, this is a way I keep my word to myself too. Yes, the work I was doing puts food on the table and the meeting I was having will contribute to future meals on the table BUT I want Bug sitting at that table with me. Failed acknowledgement, not keeping my word, minimizing her presence, and not spending valuable quality time with her will leave me at a table by myself. Because, believe it or not, this behavior doesn't just get applied to my daughter. If I don't take my word seriously while engaging her, it's far easier to dismiss adults under the guise that we're busy living our lives.

You know how easy it is?

I can blame everything on how busy my job is, BECAUSE I DO WORK HELLA MUCH. I can blame it on my graduate studies, BECAUSE BEING A FULL-TIME GRAD STUDENT WHILE WORKING FULL-TIME KEEPS ME HELLA BUSY. I could also blame not having time on being a single mother, because that's a full-time job 24/7/365. But I choose not to because I CAN AND DO make time for the things and people I repeatedly say are important to me.

And that's what the entire month of May was about... being intentional with where my time was spent AND with who. It didn't matter if it was 5 seconds, 5 minutes, 5 hours, or 5 days. And I'm better off for it because it reassured me that I can STILL do hard things... especially as the month of June presents more things I'm being intentional about. I hope whoever reads this remembers their commitments to themselves and those they claim to care about. May this also serve as a reminder to myself, stamped in time, a point of reference outside of my North Star... to keep being intentional with this life I have left to live.

Looking forward to all of June...

Memento Mori: April 2024

March ended as quickly as it began and now we have April.

I’ve written about four different posts for this Memento Mori but erased them all.

It feels forced so this might read as one big ramble.

Today is April Fools’ Day but it’s not giving jokes, at all.

It’s almost like if we aren’t taking everything straight-faced serious, we can’t possibly care about all the problems enough. I committed to living as well-rounded a life as humanly possible. Feeling one particular way for long periods of time doesn’t suit me because it doesn’t feel real. Throughout the course of a day, I want to experience as many emotions as possible and then process them all but in as healthy a way as possible. Constant war, family dysfunction, work dysfunction, unstable relationships, finances, chronic illness, and random bullshit doesn’t leave much room for that kind of experience. So, I’m acknowledging this is where intention comes into play.

We have 24 hours in a day and I want most of those hours to contribute to growth.

March was heavy for a multitude of reasons that trickle into April every year. The difference with this year is that I just let myself feel however I wanted to. I didn’t change anything to get myself to shift out or away from the sadness. It’s an annual thing and maybe it will eventually become less prominent in what affects me the deepest. Until then, I take it as a sign to slow down and rest. Mainly because my brain needs to. This is also a reminder to myself for the entire month of April; any time I need to myself, I need to take it.

Speaking of time to myself, I had a bit of free time the other day while I was waiting on the kiddo. So, I went to my favorite comic book shop and saw this:

Memento Mori by Tiitu Takalo

Yes, that looks a little concerning but it’s a graphic novel memoir of the author chronicling their road to recovery after having an unexpected brain hemorrhage. It was not part of my book haul that day but it made my growing list of books to buy. Despite me writing a Memento Mori every month and not being afraid of death, I still have to be in a specific mood to absorb that kind of material. After thumbing through it in the store, it reminded me that I decided to keep the monthly mementos going because sudden, unexpected shit happens to all of us. These months, whether I share a lot or a little, is a reminder to me that I’m still going.

April will be another month of growth because that’s what I will be doing until the day I die.

But right now, this is all I got to give. Until next month…