Memento Mori: December 2024
My Memento Mori’s are usually written the first week of each month. Today is the last day of December. Every day of this month I have thought about writing this and never even started it. My mind has been elsewhere. I’ve been living… not necessarily how I want to but it’s still been life. I’ve been writing… not necessarily the things attached to my heart but more so the things I must write. Prior to Xmas, that’s been work and school related writing…. the boring and technical side of my life.
However, it’s still been necessary… just not enjoyable or relieving.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, not just because we’ve come to the end of another year either. I’ve been doing some thinking about my thinking… more so about what I’m allowing to consume my headspace. I’ve been letting a lot of things and people live rent free in my mind that should be purged. I’ve spent most of December figuring out how to just… let go.
I gave myself until December 31, 2024 to let go of anything, everything, and anyone that would make room for me to stay tethered to things I claim I don’t want in my life. I’ll never tell the lie that letting go is easy but I will stand 10 toes down that it gets easier when you accept that what you’re clinging to is directly affecting all forward movement. I don’t enjoy holding on to the point that I keep stunting my growth. Sure, familiarity might play a part in waiting a little longer than necessary but my relationship with familiarity is changing too. My logical mind becomes disgusted with familiarity far quicker than my feeling heart. My heart is where grace, compassion, and second, third, fourth, and every chance thereafter resides. My heart says don’t give up too soon, Syn. This fucking heart of mine… it tries to rationalize that a little mistreatment, turning of the other cheek, and life passes are worth it for people I love… until my logical mind saunters in to remind me that nothing about this is love. It’s codependency and didn’t you say you didn’t want codependent relationships anymore? So… the fuck is you doing?
I don’t need anyone else to tell me what my logical mind already knows… but sometimes my battered, bruised, and tired heart needs to be reminded of every break, tear, scratch, and scar. Some wounds are there because of the impact of bumping into other humans… but some of the damage, I’ve contributed to because of wanting to know I did all I could before I walked away. This thinking about thinking can get exhausting BUT this December Memento will be a good thing to look back on 365 days from now. Will I still be thinking about things like this as I live out the rest of my days? Or will I turn my attention to things I’m better suited for thinking about?
I do know this… in the muck and mire of all the draining thinking, there were LOTS of daydreams of my future bookstore/cafe/reading room/community center. There have been lots of international residence and employment searches. There has been lots of intentional attention given to where I want to be and it has honestly outweighed the heaviness of the letting go. I’m a hell of a lot of steps closer to not feeling on the fence about making space for everything I want and need. The pain of holding on has become unbearable… which helps with the letting go. I do wish I didn’t have to get to that point BUT baby steps. I don’t think it’s gonna take 365 days to get better at this because the truth is, I been working on it all my life. I just feel like there are some realities shifting that affirm staying where I am is going to hurt far more than moving on.
So, here’s to the end of the lifelong era of holding on too long… the end of December… the end of 2024.
Here’s to a better future, peace, love, and harmony, positive transformations with success, my career, wealth, fitness, health, letting go of doubt, all of the beautiful turning points that soon come, abundance, motivation, and overall wellness…. and to whomever is reading this, I wish you the same.
I intend to live my 45th year with less sorrow and more blessings.
