Memento Mori: December 2024

My Memento Mori’s are usually written the first week of each month. Today is the last day of December. Every day of this month I have thought about writing this and never even started it. My mind has been elsewhere. I’ve been living… not necessarily how I want to but it’s still been life. I’ve been writing… not necessarily the things attached to my heart but more so the things I must write. Prior to Xmas, that’s been work and school related writing…. the boring and technical side of my life.

However, it’s still been necessary… just not enjoyable or relieving.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, not just because we’ve come to the end of another year either. I’ve been doing some thinking about my thinking… more so about what I’m allowing to consume my headspace. I’ve been letting a lot of things and people live rent free in my mind that should be purged. I’ve spent most of December figuring out how to just… let go.

I gave myself until December 31, 2024 to let go of anything, everything, and anyone that would make room for me to stay tethered to things I claim I don’t want in my life. I’ll never tell the lie that letting go is easy but I will stand 10 toes down that it gets easier when you accept that what you’re clinging to is directly affecting all forward movement. I don’t enjoy holding on to the point that I keep stunting my growth. Sure, familiarity might play a part in waiting a little longer than necessary but my relationship with familiarity is changing too. My logical mind becomes disgusted with familiarity far quicker than my feeling heart. My heart is where grace, compassion, and second, third, fourth, and every chance thereafter resides. My heart says don’t give up too soon, Syn. This fucking heart of mine… it tries to rationalize that a little mistreatment, turning of the other cheek, and life passes are worth it for people I love… until my logical mind saunters in to remind me that nothing about this is love. It’s codependency and didn’t you say you didn’t want codependent relationships anymore? So… the fuck is you doing?

I don’t need anyone else to tell me what my logical mind already knows… but sometimes my battered, bruised, and tired heart needs to be reminded of every break, tear, scratch, and scar. Some wounds are there because of the impact of bumping into other humans… but some of the damage, I’ve contributed to because of wanting to know I did all I could before I walked away. This thinking about thinking can get exhausting BUT this December Memento will be a good thing to look back on 365 days from now. Will I still be thinking about things like this as I live out the rest of my days? Or will I turn my attention to things I’m better suited for thinking about?

I do know this… in the muck and mire of all the draining thinking, there were LOTS of daydreams of my future bookstore/cafe/reading room/community center. There have been lots of international residence and employment searches. There has been lots of intentional attention given to where I want to be and it has honestly outweighed the heaviness of the letting go. I’m a hell of a lot of steps closer to not feeling on the fence about making space for everything I want and need. The pain of holding on has become unbearable… which helps with the letting go. I do wish I didn’t have to get to that point BUT baby steps. I don’t think it’s gonna take 365 days to get better at this because the truth is, I been working on it all my life. I just feel like there are some realities shifting that affirm staying where I am is going to hurt far more than moving on.

So, here’s to the end of the lifelong era of holding on too long… the end of December… the end of 2024.

Here’s to a better future, peace, love, and harmony, positive transformations with success, my career, wealth, fitness, health, letting go of doubt, all of the beautiful turning points that soon come, abundance, motivation, and overall wellness…. and to whomever is reading this, I wish you the same.

I intend to live my 45th year with less sorrow and more blessings.

Memento Mori: December 2023

My birth month has come and gone. Entering December came a little faster than I wanted.

I turned 44 years old last month and it doesn’t feel any different than 43 but that’s life. I’ve only had a few birthdays when something felt significantly different. I owe those to major life changes that happened within the prior year. I will say something that happened in the last year that feels different is acknowledgement from a couple of people that felt more genuine than I’ve ever felt in my life. Sometimes people say things because they think they’re supposed to and I can feel that obligatory energy. It’s not even difficult to describe because it’s very different from someone specifically stating things in detail that let you know they SEE you.

For instance, I have friends who tell me that I am a good mother but… WHY are YOU saying I’m a good mother? Because of the obvious? I make sure Bug is fed, clothed, educated, and loved. That’s legit basic low level parenting shit. Not to downplay it but I’m supposed to do that regardless of what life throws at me. However, when someone says something detail oriented that indicates they have been closely paying attention to what I do as a mother/parent? It’s hella different.

A close friend recently acknowledged some heavy life shit that I have been dealing with alone. They apologized for not being as present of a friend in the last few years of me dealing with getting divorced, losing a parent, moving across country, raising a child with no familial support (solidarity), having a major surgery, finishing up my bachelors degree, and having chronic illnesses. Even typing that out was a bit exhausting. I must be honest and say I haven’t processed my father’s death or this stupid, fucking divorce that took far too long to be over and done with. I haven’t processed a lot of the 44 years I’ve lived that involve traumatic ass shit because I haven’t had the space to just fucking fall to pieces.

I don’t advise anyone to suppress heavy shit. It’s so fucking draining and little bits of your unprocessed shit will either start randomly leaking out or you’ll full blown bleed all over anyone who gets close to you. We can have the attitude that we don’t have time to sit and work through shit because we gotta pay these bills, feed these children, and keep one foot in front of the other. We’re only fooling ourselves into putting off the inevitable breakdown that’s coming. This Memento Mori reminds me to fully live the rest of my life as I wind down to the eternal nap and in doing that, I have to acknowledge all of the life that I’m refusing to process. With that being said, I’m going to be open to more moments of tears, talking about how I feel, and asking (fuck that, begging) the universe to align me with people who don’t act like they’re allergic to feeling and having all the emotions.

I also watched Indiana Jones: Dial of Destiny and cried at the end. My dad loved Indiana Jones but also when Indy’s goddaughter “selfishly” told him he couldn’t stay in 215 B.C. before punching him in the jaw? Seeing her moment of vulnerability that was saying Indy you can’t stay here because I NEED YOU, is what made me cry. Indy was being a crotchety old fuck, acting like he didn’t need or care about anyone but he just needed a reminder that HE was cared about too.

And that’s also what I need in December… to be FULLY reminded (see: SHOW ME) by more people that I’m cared about because I don’t feel it most days… and it could just be these stupid as fuck perimenopausal hormones but I got a good 40-50 years left in me. I can afford to keep saying I want to be cared about until the very end.

It’s true that we cannot solve our problems with the same tools that created them so I have to clean out my emotional tool box. All of the sensitive parts of me might feel like foil on fillings but eventually those silver bitches get replaced with something healthier and more sustainable. Eventually, I won’t cringe at all of the things that once triggered me because I’ll learn how to manage all the emotions I steered clear of for so long. So December, give me your best shot at making me feel.