Memento Mori: December 2024

My Memento Mori’s are usually written the first week of each month. Today is the last day of December. Every day of this month I have thought about writing this and never even started it. My mind has been elsewhere. I’ve been living… not necessarily how I want to but it’s still been life. I’ve been writing… not necessarily the things attached to my heart but more so the things I must write. Prior to Xmas, that’s been work and school related writing…. the boring and technical side of my life.

However, it’s still been necessary… just not enjoyable or relieving.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, not just because we’ve come to the end of another year either. I’ve been doing some thinking about my thinking… more so about what I’m allowing to consume my headspace. I’ve been letting a lot of things and people live rent free in my mind that should be purged. I’ve spent most of December figuring out how to just… let go.

I gave myself until December 31, 2024 to let go of anything, everything, and anyone that would make room for me to stay tethered to things I claim I don’t want in my life. I’ll never tell the lie that letting go is easy but I will stand 10 toes down that it gets easier when you accept that what you’re clinging to is directly affecting all forward movement. I don’t enjoy holding on to the point that I keep stunting my growth. Sure, familiarity might play a part in waiting a little longer than necessary but my relationship with familiarity is changing too. My logical mind becomes disgusted with familiarity far quicker than my feeling heart. My heart is where grace, compassion, and second, third, fourth, and every chance thereafter resides. My heart says don’t give up too soon, Syn. This fucking heart of mine… it tries to rationalize that a little mistreatment, turning of the other cheek, and life passes are worth it for people I love… until my logical mind saunters in to remind me that nothing about this is love. It’s codependency and didn’t you say you didn’t want codependent relationships anymore? So… the fuck is you doing?

I don’t need anyone else to tell me what my logical mind already knows… but sometimes my battered, bruised, and tired heart needs to be reminded of every break, tear, scratch, and scar. Some wounds are there because of the impact of bumping into other humans… but some of the damage, I’ve contributed to because of wanting to know I did all I could before I walked away. This thinking about thinking can get exhausting BUT this December Memento will be a good thing to look back on 365 days from now. Will I still be thinking about things like this as I live out the rest of my days? Or will I turn my attention to things I’m better suited for thinking about?

I do know this… in the muck and mire of all the draining thinking, there were LOTS of daydreams of my future bookstore/cafe/reading room/community center. There have been lots of international residence and employment searches. There has been lots of intentional attention given to where I want to be and it has honestly outweighed the heaviness of the letting go. I’m a hell of a lot of steps closer to not feeling on the fence about making space for everything I want and need. The pain of holding on has become unbearable… which helps with the letting go. I do wish I didn’t have to get to that point BUT baby steps. I don’t think it’s gonna take 365 days to get better at this because the truth is, I been working on it all my life. I just feel like there are some realities shifting that affirm staying where I am is going to hurt far more than moving on.

So, here’s to the end of the lifelong era of holding on too long… the end of December… the end of 2024.

Here’s to a better future, peace, love, and harmony, positive transformations with success, my career, wealth, fitness, health, letting go of doubt, all of the beautiful turning points that soon come, abundance, motivation, and overall wellness…. and to whomever is reading this, I wish you the same.

I intend to live my 45th year with less sorrow and more blessings.

Memento Mori: June 2024

For as non-stop as May was, I did enjoy most of it because it involved celebrating my daughter... and also seeing her friends do things I normally don't get to observe.

I used to tell people there were only 5 things that were important to me (and not necessarily in this order):

1. my books

2. my money

3. my food

4. my friends

5. my family

and while these things might seem self-centered, they branch out to a LOT of things that affect any human being that cares about existing with others. If I protect these things for myself, I have a social responsibility to protect these things for others. As I take inventory of my life, I realize my actions tend to align with things that are connected to one or all of these things.

For instance, if I give a fuck about my child, I MUST also care about other children. I thought about this as I was swamped with a shitload of work and Bug reminded me of the time her friends band concert was going to start. She had let me know ahead of time, instead of waiting until the last minute (like I've asked her to do in the past). I had even put it on my calendar to remind myself. I was also aware that I had to attend in order for her to go... no children allowed without an adult.

Did I mention I was swamped with work? I also had a meeting that overlapped with the beginning of the concert... but I'm big on keeping my word. If nothing's physically preventing me from doing what I said I'd do, I'll figure some shit out to make it happen. I'm mentioning all of this because it's related to the intentional living I've committed to as I write out every month of my life until my last breath.

One day I might need to remind myself of the more important things... because I'm human and can get distracted like anyone else. My daughter is something like a North Star for me; I mentally lose my way far more than it seems. It ain't hard to do with all the daily worldwide fuckery going on. I digress...

I dropped Bug off at the entrance and looked for a parking spot where I could finish my meeting over the phone. Bug was able to see/hear everything from the beginning but I was about 15 minutes late from wrapping up my meeting. I'm so glad I didn't back out and tell Bug I couldn't take her. Three of her friends are first chair players, one being her best friend and I had no idea! All three won awards that same evening for various achievements and the music they played??? These children didn't sound like middle schoolers! I was impressed AND I got to enjoy live music (they played music from Harry Potter and Star Wars!!!).

I also got an opportunity to be present for other children who know me. It never hurts to show up for any kid, no matter how small we think our presence is... kids need support too.

But that's because I reminded myself of what's MOST important... my daughter. No matter how big or small, honoring our commitments is how we build trust. Failing to keep our word is also how trust starts to break down. And it usually starts with things like "I'm busy" as a reason to not do something I already said I would do. I could have reasoned, like most adults do, that what I'm doing is far more important than listening to children play musical instruments. I would be minimizing a lot more than my daughter's friend's performance. I'd be sending an intentional message that it's okay for me to not keep my word whenever I felt like it.

In the years I have left to live, I want to spend most of my time with people I care about and who care about me. So, this is a way I keep my word to myself too. Yes, the work I was doing puts food on the table and the meeting I was having will contribute to future meals on the table BUT I want Bug sitting at that table with me. Failed acknowledgement, not keeping my word, minimizing her presence, and not spending valuable quality time with her will leave me at a table by myself. Because, believe it or not, this behavior doesn't just get applied to my daughter. If I don't take my word seriously while engaging her, it's far easier to dismiss adults under the guise that we're busy living our lives.

You know how easy it is?

I can blame everything on how busy my job is, BECAUSE I DO WORK HELLA MUCH. I can blame it on my graduate studies, BECAUSE BEING A FULL-TIME GRAD STUDENT WHILE WORKING FULL-TIME KEEPS ME HELLA BUSY. I could also blame not having time on being a single mother, because that's a full-time job 24/7/365. But I choose not to because I CAN AND DO make time for the things and people I repeatedly say are important to me.

And that's what the entire month of May was about... being intentional with where my time was spent AND with who. It didn't matter if it was 5 seconds, 5 minutes, 5 hours, or 5 days. And I'm better off for it because it reassured me that I can STILL do hard things... especially as the month of June presents more things I'm being intentional about. I hope whoever reads this remembers their commitments to themselves and those they claim to care about. May this also serve as a reminder to myself, stamped in time, a point of reference outside of my North Star... to keep being intentional with this life I have left to live.

Looking forward to all of June...