Memento Mori: July 2024
The year is officially half way over.
There’s something terrifying going on everyday that’s associated with politics and it nudges my anxiety far more than I like. Politics are sucking up the air and life of anyone who actually gives a fuck. As June came to an end, I noticed myself kind of dreading writing this memento because it was becoming difficult to look forward to anything. However…
…I redirected my thinking to why I started writing these mementos in the first place. My decision wasn’t based on the political climate and everything else wrong in the world. It was simply to remind myself of the life I have left to live and to annotate the life I’m currently living. It’s MY safe space and I’m free to write what I want remembered.
So, that’s what my focus will be in July… things to be remembered.
My daughter came home from camp a day before June ended and I want to always remember how she ran off the bus, smiling, to give me one of the biggest hugs ever. Two years in a row I’ve seen this genuine smile that makes me think of nothing else but how much I do miss her when she’s away. The break from 24/7 parenting was enjoyed but when she’s away, I’m reminded of how great a person she is BECAUSE she isn’t next to me. In her case, absence makes my heart grow fonder.
I went to Arizona to spend time with people I truly enjoy. I went to a wine tasting and out to dinner BUT the highlight of my trip was all of the conversations. I will remember these chats, the curiosity, the disagreements, the tears, the smiles, the hugs, and the peacefulness.
I turned my alarms off on my phone while I was on vacation. I will remember how it felt to not be tethered to time. I was so at peace that when I came back home and went to the chiropractor, I barely needed adjusting because of how relaxed my body had become. It reminded me that a life of leisure is probably how I can get a good additional 50 years out of this existence I refer to as my life.
One of my cousins who was 4 years younger than me passed away and his funeral was last week. I’m not close to anyone in my family except for my daughter and nephew so… it felt weird. I felt something but I don’t think it was what other people feel when a family member dies. It made me think a little too much about how I would feel if my daughter or nephew were to take their last breath and my heart seized up a bit. As much as that is something I don’t want to think about too much, it reminded me to finish getting my “life planning” in order. I sat down and finished up some important paperwork that I had been putting off for no other reason other than not wanting to be reminded that I’ll probably die before my daughter.
It’s a sobering thought but I want to remember who I value enough to care for my daughter should the necessary occur before I’m ready to take the eternal dirt nap. Some people I’ve thought cared about my daughter as much as me but as time has gone on it’s become evident that those people are far, few, and in between. Granted, no one will ever love her like I do BUT there are some people that I think get close enough. There are some that claim they do but my daughter is nothing more than an afterthought to them. It makes me remember that’s because I’m also an afterthought to them. I want to always remember that we both deserve better from people who say, “I love you.”
I want to remember all of the people that are worth ruminating over so that I forget all of those that don’t deserve to take up anymore space in my thoughts. I will remember how people make me feel, whether that be good, bad, or indifferent so I can actively choose to steer clear of anything and anyone that doesn’t contribute to positive growth. I will remember that regardless of what’s going on in the world, I still have this one life to finish living.
