Memento Mori: August & September 2024

I’d be lying if I said things to be remembered aren’t carrying over into the month of August. It carried over so much that I didn’t feel compelled to post anything for that post. I purposely waited until my September post so I guess you can say this is a 2 for 1. Might be kind of lengthy too so…

The political climate played a big part in me not wanting to share anything I wrote. The older I become the more I see that whether I want to be involved in politics or not, ALL of our existences are affected by ALL of the people running this godforsaken country. Whether it is on a local, state, or federal level, all forms of government are detrimental to us right now. It sickens me to see our entire country being run by CONGRESS while we sit and fight among each other about who is worse for us… the Black woman or the white Supremacist.

People are scared for a multitude of reasons; some valid and some wildly irrational. We live in a country that doggedly prioritizes profit over people and we have a government that is supposed to be of consistent service to the people but instead operates like a business. Necessary budgets for the growth of humanity are extinguished in the dead of night while other budgets that should be more closely monitored for improperly allocated funds, are protected from proper auditing. This entire country focuses on money, while demanding to know why there is poverty, poor physical/mental health, a housing crisis, broken families, and struggling communities. For everything to be about money, it’s odd for this to not be acknowledged when talking about the collapse of society. It’s always going to point to excessive use of funding in the wrong areas… and greed.

I bring this up in my Memento Mori because I want this moment to be remembered with clarity.

I don’t want to forget the disdain I have for willful ignorance. I don’t want to forget the selfishness we’re exhibiting in our constant display of self-interest being more important than our collective responsibility to community. I want a point of reference should I lose my way in this capitalistic nightmarish hellscape of survival.

While keeping this in the forefront of my mind, I’m also making room to take care of mental state and not letting this consume me to the point of my own health failing. How have I been managing to do this? Limiting my use of social media even more, while redirecting my focus when I am checking in… and sharing less of my thoughts publicly online. I’ve still been writing but once we make something public, we invite others to have an opinion. Yes, I know we can say meaningless shit like “MY PAGE/PROFILE, MY RULES!” but when we make our thoughts/content/lives available to others the only thing we can choose is whether we respond… or turn off all the comments. Either way, I could have just kept my words to myself if I REALLY didn’t want outside views. And it’s okay to want our words just for ourselves… because I also sometimes don’t feel like reminding anyone that no one MUST respect other opinions, warranted or otherwise.

Moving on…

There are so many things I want to accomplish before I say my final goodbye to this earthly existence. I’m in my second half of life and despite the world being in flames around me, I think I still have a little space left to enjoy some life. Before we get to 100% survival of the apocalypse and dystopian society Octavia Butler prophesied about in her writings, I can still make attempts to thrive.

During the month of July, I had meaningful conversations with friends that I will never forget. Talking about family, friends, trauma, parenting, our worst fears, our unlived dreams. What is etched in my memory is how their voices sounded as they talked about their hopes and fears; their faces as they contorted from hopelessness to excitement and from exhaustion to acceptance. These are priceless memories that effortlessly bled into August.

As I keep doing the work to heal the parts of me that hurt the most, it’s getting easier to spend less time ruminating on tough conversations I need to have. It’s getting easier to choose better for myself instead of falling back into what’s familiar. What’s surprised me the most is how easy it’s becoming to LET GO without my usual diet of emotional suppression added to the recipe of detachment. When I was younger, I used to quickly let go and move on… or at least that’s what I was telling myself so I wouldn’t have to accept how deeply my feelings were hurt. Suppression should have been my middle name. However, you can only push shit down so much before it starts corrupting parts of yourself you don’t want tampered with… I often say my daughter has been my major catalyst for change and I mean it 100%.

I don’t think I should keep her as a crutch for my progress because that isn’t consistently healthy. What happens when she no longer needs me as an example of decency the way she does now? Then what reason will I have to stay physically/mentally healthy? What would stop me from going back to the dysfunction I knew best? As I’ve changed my habits and patterns it becomes more clear that there’s a reason that people change AND ONLY MAINTAIN THEIR CHANGE when they do it for themselves instead of another person. These last few months have been full of me accepting that even though my daughter was the reason for my change, I’m the reason I don’t go back to what’s comfortable, easy, and familiar. All this work I’ve done over the last 15 years… I think about how it will literally be for nothing if I don’t accept that I continue to do this for myself. As I tackle all of the hard things and don’t feel completely torn to shreds inside anymore, I accept that I don’t want to feel the opposite of this ever again. I’ve gotten to a place of developing healthy emotional processes, space to feel whatever I want for however long I need to, and freedom to move on from people who don’t want a healthier version of me. It’s no longer optional. It’s a necessity.

And THIS is why I KNOW I can let go of anything and everyone that is no longer good for me.

That’s really what July, August, and hopefully September will continue to be about.

LETTING GO AND MOVING ON… to whatever better I can grasp for myself.

Memento Mori: July 2024

The year is officially half way over.

There’s something terrifying going on everyday that’s associated with politics and it nudges my anxiety far more than I like. Politics are sucking up the air and life of anyone who actually gives a fuck. As June came to an end, I noticed myself kind of dreading writing this memento because it was becoming difficult to look forward to anything. However…

…I redirected my thinking to why I started writing these mementos in the first place. My decision wasn’t based on the political climate and everything else wrong in the world. It was simply to remind myself of the life I have left to live and to annotate the life I’m currently living. It’s MY safe space and I’m free to write what I want remembered.

So, that’s what my focus will be in July… things to be remembered.

My daughter came home from camp a day before June ended and I want to always remember how she ran off the bus, smiling, to give me one of the biggest hugs ever. Two years in a row I’ve seen this genuine smile that makes me think of nothing else but how much I do miss her when she’s away. The break from 24/7 parenting was enjoyed but when she’s away, I’m reminded of how great a person she is BECAUSE she isn’t next to me. In her case, absence makes my heart grow fonder.

I went to Arizona to spend time with people I truly enjoy. I went to a wine tasting and out to dinner BUT the highlight of my trip was all of the conversations. I will remember these chats, the curiosity, the disagreements, the tears, the smiles, the hugs, and the peacefulness.

I turned my alarms off on my phone while I was on vacation. I will remember how it felt to not be tethered to time. I was so at peace that when I came back home and went to the chiropractor, I barely needed adjusting because of how relaxed my body had become. It reminded me that a life of leisure is probably how I can get a good additional 50 years out of this existence I refer to as my life.

One of my cousins who was 4 years younger than me passed away and his funeral was last week. I’m not close to anyone in my family except for my daughter and nephew so… it felt weird. I felt something but I don’t think it was what other people feel when a family member dies. It made me think a little too much about how I would feel if my daughter or nephew were to take their last breath and my heart seized up a bit. As much as that is something I don’t want to think about too much, it reminded me to finish getting my “life planning” in order. I sat down and finished up some important paperwork that I had been putting off for no other reason other than not wanting to be reminded that I’ll probably die before my daughter.

It’s a sobering thought but I want to remember who I value enough to care for my daughter should the necessary occur before I’m ready to take the eternal dirt nap. Some people I’ve thought cared about my daughter as much as me but as time has gone on it’s become evident that those people are far, few, and in between. Granted, no one will ever love her like I do BUT there are some people that I think get close enough. There are some that claim they do but my daughter is nothing more than an afterthought to them. It makes me remember that’s because I’m also an afterthought to them. I want to always remember that we both deserve better from people who say, “I love you.”

I want to remember all of the people that are worth ruminating over so that I forget all of those that don’t deserve to take up anymore space in my thoughts. I will remember how people make me feel, whether that be good, bad, or indifferent so I can actively choose to steer clear of anything and anyone that doesn’t contribute to positive growth. I will remember that regardless of what’s going on in the world, I still have this one life to finish living.