Memento Mori - October 2024

Blue Valentine - A limitless potential
Created by Eva Gamayun

I sneezed and September was over.

A lot happened in that blink of time though… the daughter turned 15 years old. I don’t think that I’ll ever get used to being HER mother. I don’t wear the clothing of parenthood as this thing that defines who I am… and I think that’s why it still feels odd to call her “mine.” Maybe some parents do feel like they own their children, hence their possessiveness… but I still don’t feel it. I DO feel like I have a huge responsibility attached to the rest of my life BECAUSE I made the wild ass decision to let life enter this world through me… but it’s a responsibility I keep finding the courage to honor… because I want to…. because she’s worth it.

I don’t view motherhood/parenthood SPECIFICALLY as an obligatory crushing weight. It’s more of a chosen commitment that should never be broken. Do I have the option to break this covenant? Sure. There are breeders and penis wielders who do it everyday without even batting an eye. The creation of a child means nothing to them beyond the fact that another person exists in the world because they had sex. I still carry the pregnancy test with me everywhere I go…it serves as a reminder of many things but mainly that I CHOSE to be a mother… because at any point, I CAN choose not to be…. I also think about what that would mean to her if I just gave up because some shit got hard. It’s the worst kind of coward I could ever choose to be.

Even in my worst mental moments of life since the kiddo has been born though, my brain refuses to let me seriously entertain living without her. My lifelong buddies, A&D, have done their best to convince me that Bug would be better off without me. However, that’s MOSTLY when they hang out with SI too long. SI is that one “friend” that lives in the quotations because they’re not a real friend to anyone even though they never seem to really go away. They tell all of us things that aren’t true, encourage the worst of behavior, and support fuckery that typically wouldn’t have space to chill. There’s a part of my brain that wholeheartedly believes SI is the worst enemy I’ve ever had…but SI remains familiar.

I’ve been ignoring the nagging spirit of SI lately, especially during the blink of September… but it’s hard because this is when seasonal moods start lurking in the shadows a little longer than usual. The more I sit with why it starts in September, the more I have to acknowledge how much of an insidious ass heaux Capitalism is… another presence that can’t be avoided no matter how hard I try. Every day of September took me from contentment to meh and then from there to exhaustion and frustration, with a dash of existential dread because it isn’t JUST my world that’s up in flames (figuratively and literally). Everyday there was something that added to the layers of this gloomy and doom filled picture of life.

But then there were moments that assured me it wasn’t ALL bad. The happiness about being a year older was also sprinkled throughout the entire month of September. Those sprinklings nudged me away from SI’s fonky ass who had cleverly slipped their arm in mine, like they were going to sit around and stay for a minute. I think this is why it’s so important to make sure you KEEP joy in your life… whatever shape or form it is, make sure you do whatever is necessary to maintain it. For me, I remind myself to laugh at least once a day. It might seem insignificant BUT there hasn’t been a time when I was laughing that I actually WANTED to be hanging out with A&D or SI. My brain does this weird thing where it looks for more things to laugh and smile about. Before I know it, those intrusive ass thoughts have simmered down to make room for hopefulness and gratitude.

This is my brain everyday. Sounds exhausting BECAUSE IT IS.

However, doing things like writing these Memento Mori’s are reminders that everything isn’t all bad, all the time.

I closed out September managing intrusive thoughts BUT ALSO making space for whatever slivers of joy could seep into this raggedy ass life. Yes, it’s a daily juggling act but I think it’s one I keep doing because there ARE days when the good outweighs the bad. And that’s what I look forward to in October, November, December, and the years to come in my life.

I don’t want SI getting too comfortable during holiday season so look forward to the next few months being about all the things I enjoy, love, like, and want more of in my life. Until then, I’ll be living as best I can. I hope the same for anyone reading this…