Memento Mori: January 2024

A new year has arrived and I’m committed to everything I haven’t succeeded in yet that’s of interest to me. Last month I said that I was going to be leaning into feeling more and I have to rephrase that… I don’t have a problem feeling anything. I’ve experienced issues with properly processing what I feel and then moving on. Suppression was my best efforts at NOT dealing with anything that caused me abnormal amounts of anxiety. Suppression was also useful for just ignoring anything that caused me discomfort. I learned early on that most people can’t tell the difference between suppression and genuinely not giving a fuck about anything. Because of that, using the veneer of assholery suited me well… until it didn’t.

A lot of my change was prompted by the choice to become a mother. I’m absolutely positive if I hadn’t chosen to be a parent, it probably would have taken a near death experience to move me away from the protective defense mechanism that inched far too close to sociopathy. Unfortunately life, not just my childhood, laid a pretty solid yellow brick road of mental dysfunction that made suppression acceptable. I wanted better for the kiddo so as difficult as it is to do and be different than what I was raised to be, I’ve been consistently doing it for the last 14 years.

When I say consistent I mean I haven’t given up on being the change I wish to see. Yes, IT IS easier to match people’s petty, disrespectful, inconsiderate, selfish, and nonchalant energy. That rush of dopamine I get when I know that I’ve gotten under someone’s skin that thought they got the better of me? If I could shoot it directly into my veins, I just might give up on this 14-year consistency. HOWEVER, the high doesn’t last and it’s so short-lived that I’m quickly reminded that in order to maintain it, I’d become someone I’d never want my daughter to emulate. Welcome to the brain of an addict. I still want a lot of things that are FUCKING TERRIBLE for me… but in my remembering that eventually we all die, I know I’m not ready… yet.

So, about January… in my efforts to keep working on being a better human, I’m going to start some new holiday traditions with the kiddo. We aren’t close to our families; with the exception of my nephew, I don’t regularly engage my blood relatives. It isn’t due to having no desire to be close to people who share my DNA; it’s 100% due to moving away from dysfunction. This is often referred to breaking generational curses and it’s one of the harder parts. Mainly because as you change, if you still keep the company of those who aren’t changing and won’t, conflict will arise on a regular basis. Familial interaction becomes like oil and water about damn near everything. So, while I’m fully aware that children need more than just one solid person in their lives, I can’t wait on everyone to show that she’s important. I’m still responsible for my part.

Spending the week of Christmas with one of the best friends was a reminder that I don’t have to wait for anyone to include us. While that was a great and unexpected gesture, the kiddo and I spend most holidays in our home. We might go catch a movie and do a little shopping but nothing that I’d consider memorable or different from our usual weekend life. Spending the holidays in New Orleans with both sides of the besties family was like a huge bear hug though… very warm and welcoming. It reminded me of my favorite grandmother too. I never questioned if she loved me because I felt it… something I don’t feel from anyone in my family but my nephew and daughter.

So this January I pledge to exude as much of that love my grandmother gave me, to my daughter. Which leads to a word that has been randomly popping up for the last six months: accessibility.

I think some people had grown used to me being available whenever they wanted/needed me, to the point that they began to take me for granted. The idea that I’m not going anywhere, I guess created space for some people to be like it didn’t really matter how they treated me. You ever notice how cautious people are when they’re afraid they’re going to lose someone? Not saying that’s healthy but it’s obvious that they’ll put effort and energy into not squandering any time they do get to spend with you. In a healthier, ideal world, we would treat each other like their time and presence is always important. But alas, here we are on Earth fucking shit up simply because we can.

I don’t like feeling like I don’t matter. So, I’m changing that too. There are younger versions of myself that possessed parts worth revisiting. Moving forward with my life while others catch me when they can, suited me best. I will admit that I created space for some people to have all the access they want and need and… it’s become to my detriment. I thought I was doing it out of love for them but I think it was done more so out of fear that if I didn’t, they’d leave. To this I say, people gone leave when they want to so if they gone leave, bye. Space needs to keep being created for the things I say I REALLY want in my life and that means letting go of things and people that really shouldn’t be taking up my time and space.

Even as I write all of this, I’m well aware that letting go and actually watching people leave isn’t going to be simple. I love these people. HOWEVER, if every month I have left of this life, I’m supposed to be living it intentionally because death comes for us all, why would I waste another moment with anyone who’d gladly waste the time I have left? I want to live each day doing more of what I like, less of what I don’t, and with people who want that for me and themselves too.

January, I welcome all 31 days of you into my 44th year of life, even if it involves some painful but necessary letting go. I will grim and bear through it.

Memento Mori: December 2023

My birth month has come and gone. Entering December came a little faster than I wanted.

I turned 44 years old last month and it doesn’t feel any different than 43 but that’s life. I’ve only had a few birthdays when something felt significantly different. I owe those to major life changes that happened within the prior year. I will say something that happened in the last year that feels different is acknowledgement from a couple of people that felt more genuine than I’ve ever felt in my life. Sometimes people say things because they think they’re supposed to and I can feel that obligatory energy. It’s not even difficult to describe because it’s very different from someone specifically stating things in detail that let you know they SEE you.

For instance, I have friends who tell me that I am a good mother but… WHY are YOU saying I’m a good mother? Because of the obvious? I make sure Bug is fed, clothed, educated, and loved. That’s legit basic low level parenting shit. Not to downplay it but I’m supposed to do that regardless of what life throws at me. However, when someone says something detail oriented that indicates they have been closely paying attention to what I do as a mother/parent? It’s hella different.

A close friend recently acknowledged some heavy life shit that I have been dealing with alone. They apologized for not being as present of a friend in the last few years of me dealing with getting divorced, losing a parent, moving across country, raising a child with no familial support (solidarity), having a major surgery, finishing up my bachelors degree, and having chronic illnesses. Even typing that out was a bit exhausting. I must be honest and say I haven’t processed my father’s death or this stupid, fucking divorce that took far too long to be over and done with. I haven’t processed a lot of the 44 years I’ve lived that involve traumatic ass shit because I haven’t had the space to just fucking fall to pieces.

I don’t advise anyone to suppress heavy shit. It’s so fucking draining and little bits of your unprocessed shit will either start randomly leaking out or you’ll full blown bleed all over anyone who gets close to you. We can have the attitude that we don’t have time to sit and work through shit because we gotta pay these bills, feed these children, and keep one foot in front of the other. We’re only fooling ourselves into putting off the inevitable breakdown that’s coming. This Memento Mori reminds me to fully live the rest of my life as I wind down to the eternal nap and in doing that, I have to acknowledge all of the life that I’m refusing to process. With that being said, I’m going to be open to more moments of tears, talking about how I feel, and asking (fuck that, begging) the universe to align me with people who don’t act like they’re allergic to feeling and having all the emotions.

I also watched Indiana Jones: Dial of Destiny and cried at the end. My dad loved Indiana Jones but also when Indy’s goddaughter “selfishly” told him he couldn’t stay in 215 B.C. before punching him in the jaw? Seeing her moment of vulnerability that was saying Indy you can’t stay here because I NEED YOU, is what made me cry. Indy was being a crotchety old fuck, acting like he didn’t need or care about anyone but he just needed a reminder that HE was cared about too.

And that’s also what I need in December… to be FULLY reminded (see: SHOW ME) by more people that I’m cared about because I don’t feel it most days… and it could just be these stupid as fuck perimenopausal hormones but I got a good 40-50 years left in me. I can afford to keep saying I want to be cared about until the very end.

It’s true that we cannot solve our problems with the same tools that created them so I have to clean out my emotional tool box. All of the sensitive parts of me might feel like foil on fillings but eventually those silver bitches get replaced with something healthier and more sustainable. Eventually, I won’t cringe at all of the things that once triggered me because I’ll learn how to manage all the emotions I steered clear of for so long. So December, give me your best shot at making me feel.

Memento Mori: November 2023

I had been debating on doing another Memento Mori for a while now. It’s been two years and I came to the conclusion that, moving forward, I’ll start doing them every year. It’s a way to chronicle my life as it constantly changes. Some of the changes require reflection so I can appreciate where I am and what it took to get (t)here. Plus, my daughter incessantly nags me about talking about my life. It seems inappropriate to divulge some stuff to her mainly because (as of today) she’s only 14 years old. However, she likes to randomly google me so if she ever finds this blog, she can read what she wants.

I decided to do this one a little different regarding when I post. I used to wait for the month to go by and then post as a reflection of the previous month. This time around I’m posting on the 1st day of every month. So without further adieu, let’s get into living the rest of this life.

The older I get the more I notice conversations about people not wanting to get old and searching for any and everything in an effort to be forever young. I’ll be 44 years old in 21 days and I look at it as another year to learn more, not fight crows feet, these sagging tits, dimpled ass, and rice krispy knees. Never mind the fact that perimenopause has kicked in and given me the gift of acne as if I was entering a second puberty. It sucks BUT I AM one year closer to not being afflicted with a menstrual cycle. This is one of the benefits of aging. Another one is the expectation that you’ll have far less fucks to give about pretty much everything because you’re closer to the seemingly final expiration date. I haven’t stopped caring about everything though. I'm choosing to tap into a younger version of myself that focused on 5 things in life: friends, family, money, books, and food. Anything outside of these things or anything related to them, didn’t get any of my time. So, this is when returning to my past to move forward comes in handy.

I also find myself being annoyed when people attempt to get me to focus on other shit outside of those 5 things. I figure I have a good 40-50 years of life left to live and I’ll be damned if ANY of it’s spent doing ANYTHING I don’t want to do. I used a sizable portion of my first four decades of life being accommodating to others and it isn’t the self-sacrifice I care to continue. Sure, this can be seen as veering off into the land of self-serving bitchiness BUT I challenge that notion with the alternative of NOT going to the opposite extreme.

That’s something else that I’ve been observing… how common it is for people to think in binary terms about EVERYTHING…. when we don’t have to. There’s a multitude of space between left and right so I never have to venture too far into any side. I can fluidly reside where the universe allows me to for the rest of my life… and I can do it without listening to anyone tell me how my old ass life should be finished. I think there’s value in living your best life at any age but as we age, it becomes necessary. My Memento Mori of 2023 - 2024 will remember the inevitability of death but also that I can still enjoy the life I’m living.

Here’s to my Obama year. I welcome you, 44.

Memento Mori: November 2021

NOVEMBER HAS ARRIVED!

I started this Memento Mori journey a year ago when I turned 41. I have lived to see another year, so I am now 42 and making it do what it do!

I count this year of intentionally blogging about life every month, as a success. It took consistency and commitment. It has also supplied constant reminders to keep writing.

I have lost so much between November of 2020 and November of 2021. At times, I felt like I was in a loop of standing up JUST to get kicked back down. This past year was a humbling of which I never wanted but needed and not because I was walking around arrogantly behaving as if I could never be touched by a day of reckoning. I’ve acquired a level of humility you only receive through self-awareness, honesty, and detachment from things (and people) that only hold you back. Maturity continues to happen throughout life if we commit to growth. This humbling was just a part of being able to gain more wisdom… and maturity.

In October, I focused on clearing out my throat chakra and it has bled into November. No matter how terrified I’ve been of responses, I’ve said what I needed to say. I’ve allowed myself to feel and process the emotion instead of pushing it aside to prioritize something other than all these damn feelings. I haven’t allowed anyone to make me feel like those feelings don’t matter either. I have no desire to go back to being that girl who felt all her feelings alone because everyone else around her was too busy to care that she had feelings too. Due to this, it has become easier to detach from anyone who dismisses me and what I’m feeling.

Yes, I’m aware that we’ve all had something to deal with during this shitty ass pandemic.. and life. There are other people out there with chronic illnesses, battling for their life, losing family members to the never-ending sleep, working at dead end jobs, losing friendships that seemed permanent, and just fucking tired, in need of all the rest their body desires. I’m also aware that just because we are all dealing with life on our own terms, it lessens nothing happening in the moment of someone else's. It also doesn’t mean that we neglect our community until we’re in need of it supporting us. Because of this, my gratitude for those who didn’t throw “I’m busy” and/or “I got my own shit to deal with” at me when I needed support the most, has grown immensely.

This entire year has been an exercise in allowing people to be there for me so I could receive the support I knew I needed. It also prompted me to prioritize those lovingly pouring into me so that I could be available to pour into them too. Year 41 was my greatest lesson in being vulnerable. Whereas I fiercely protected my vulnerability in the past by not showing the full gamut of my emotions, I now fiercely protect my right to show and speak on what I’m feeling as it arises. I have no problem expressing my boundaries, stating expectations, and releasing those who aren’t in a space to respect what I need, from any form of connection to me. I desire to keep making space for those who want to be in alignment and harmony with the balance of our lives.

2020–2021 has been about letting go and making space for my roots to spread farther and deeper into everything that will assist with my growth. I am grateful to the friend who gifted me the Memento Mori calendar because she has also affirmed that there are people out there who will intentionally, thoughtfully, and mindfully love you as you want and need to be loved. So, here’s to more wisdom, love, growth, and connections that sustain us as we take life one year, month, week, and day at a time.

This ends the monthly memento mori.

Memento Mori: October 2021

October 2021: October has arrived with some of my favorite things. Fall/Autumn, Halloween, pumpkin spice lattes (judge away), and becoming one month closer to my birth month. This month has also definitely been an exercise in unblocking my throat chakra.

The unblocking has involved not repeating myself to people invested in not actively listening to what I’m saying. I don’t like wasting words and that’s what happens when we repeat ourselves to people who don’t give a fuck about communicating effectively and comprehending in an effort to move forward amicably. I’m glad I have several friends close to me who have also recommitted to not wasting their words because they serve as reminders to stop repeatedly telling grown ass people who can hear well any other time, the same shit. This isn’t me saying people aren’t allowed to make mistakes around me either… this is me saying that there is a difference between someone making a mistake and someone clearly not giving a fuck how their behavior affects me.

Since I’m working to attract MORE of everything I want, need, and deserve it will require me letting go of these repeat offenders I’ve held onto out of fear of loss. There are real ass people out in the world who actually give a fuck about what’s important to me and they’re willing to value it in how they move. That’s where my focus has been in October and it’s showing.

The universe has shown up to show out for me because I made room for it to help.

Even though I had planned to take off November 18th, 19th, and the 22nd to celebrate 42 years of making it do what it do, I’ve also been repeating to myself that I was not going to be at the same place of employment by my birthday. I was determined to climb out of the midnight mire of depression that life had swallowed me up into and a change of employment scenery was going to help. Unbeknownst to some, I never stopped interviewing just because I started a job back in January. I was there barely a month, and it was clear that I was just passing through. I don’t know about anybody else but when a supervisor yells at me and strongarms me into not using Human Resources for what they’re for, it’s a huge red flag to GET OUT.

I was waking up every day a good hour or two before I had to get moving, staring at the ceiling on the brink of tears, not wanting to go to a job that was JUST paying my bills. The reason for this is… I’m far more introverted than extroverted. Anyone who’s associated with me from my high school years through my 20s will probably call this a lie. I understand why they’d think I was gassin’ because I’d presented myself as a social butterfly for decades. I’ve also been a drinker of alcohol since I was 3 years old. This sounds absolutely absurd but it’s a fact. I quickly learned how to drink and mask it well enough to function so no one would know. My coping mechanism for getting through life was drinking because it kills social anxiety… something I didn’t have a name for until I was about 33 years old.

When I found out I was pregnant at 29 years old, I was determined to have as healthy a pregnancy as possible. I figured it would be recklessly irresponsible to bring a life into this world only to mistreat it with my issues. I committed to finding healthier coping mechanisms than drinking and drugs. However, my social anxiety came back as if I were the little kid who figured out how to get rid of it decades ago. Imagine working somewhere that expects a gotdam performance every time you show up. Because of this, most days I don’t have an appetite to eat but if I don’t my blood sugar drops ridiculously low and passing out will be a norm. So, I end up performing in more ways than one.

This place of employment made it noticeably clear that being an introvert on the team I worked with wasn’t allowed. My job was even threatened behind my back because I “wasn’t social enough.” I had to go to work and pretend to be someone I wasn’t for the last 10 months, and it literally made me sick to my stomach… every day. It was maddening that at this big age, I gotta fake being who I am to keep food on the table. I promised myself that I wouldn’t leave just to go somewhere else that caused the same issue. I was determined to stick it out until the right opportunity presented itself and it did.

I was interviewed back in August. Even though they liked what I brought to the table, they decided to go with someone else. About a month later I was called back to see if I was still looking because they were still interested, and another position was available. I interviewed two more times, and they presented me an offer that was ideal. The offer included more money, a team that suited me perfectly, AND 100% REMOTE. I put in my two weeks’ notice and closed out October pleasantly pleased to be leaving a version of hell I no longer had to endure.

I also started going back to school this month. It’s been a lot of adjusting on my behalf to get into the groove of things but I’m excited to be learning in this type of setting again. I’ve been wanting to consume my time with more things that add to my growth versus things and people that take away. My life requires far more structure now and leaves truly little to no time for random occurrences of foolishness. I’m back to my life planning for the next ten years. There was a time when I was just letting life happen to me and then I was working to reclaim a bunch of time, energy and love I had lost or given away to people who didn’t deserve it. I'm legit doing what I want to do right now.

Regardless of anxiety and depression being things I live with for life, I’m in a better place at this moment. I’m reminding myself to enjoy these good things currently happening because even though they are fleeting like everything else, it adds to my happiness. Happiness has a way of sustaining us when fucked up shit is happening and that's what I'm earnestly working on... building up my reservoirs of joy and happiness. Those things are essential when dark clouds and intrusive thoughts start threatening my mental stability.

I feel like I can think a little clearer every day.

I look forward to November because October brought me more smiles than cries. November adds to my happiness by bringing me another year of being in the skin I’m in, I’ll be fully vaccinated, the kiddo has a singing performance, my website is being created so I can house my writing somewhere outside of other people’s platforms, and I start the new job.

All I have left to say is, thank you universe.

Thank you.