[Not a] Happy Father’s Day
Father’s Day makes me angry.
Honestly though, it isn’t the day. It’s people’s behavior around it, as if those who don’t have warm and fuzzy feelings about their father or the day, are somehow at fault, being ungrateful, or shouldn’t speak on their experience, as if it will ruin the day for everyone else.
So, I’ve come to write about it because this is my uninterrupted space.
There are some people who truly believe that we pick our parents. This is not a belief I subscribe to because if I had a choice, I most definitely would have chosen different people. Without context this might sound harsh but here’s some unasked for information that supports my decision.
When I was born, my father said aloud, “Another girl?” He was not happy about my mother not giving birth to a boy, as if she had control over who she was going to birth. She wasn’t happy I was born either because she thought the doctor had mistakenly given her a white baby. Imagine believing I chose THEM to be my parents…
As I grew up, I realized my father liked when I was interested in the same things as him so began my journey of doing what I thought would make him like me more. He often referred to me as being the son he didn’t get, when it was just me and him. When my brother eventually arrived 5 years later, he’d joke that I was his first son. As if this wasn’t bad enough, he told me at the tender age of 10 years old that he didn’t like kids after they turned 10 because it was at that age they began to form their own opinions. I can remember sitting there thinking, “but… I’m 10. so he doesn’t like me?”
It was also around that time that he stopped letting me take naps with him, stating that it was inappropriate. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what was wrong with falling asleep in my father’s arms. But it came to an abrupt end and figuring out how to keep him still liking me after I turned 10, started. There was no acceptance, acknowledgment, affection, or love shown unless it mirrored him. He would commend me for not being emotional but at the same time expressed that he thought it was odd that I didn’t show I cared if people liked me or not. My focus wasn’t on getting anyone to like me but him. I didn’t even care if my mother liked me because I never felt like she did. I think she liked the idea of being a mother more than she actually enjoyed motherhood. I don’t know how to explain being able to feel that your mother doesn’t like you but… I felt it. I still feel it.
Here and there she would make comments about me being more like my father than her but there was always a hint of disdain in her voice. I don’t think I’ve ever felt the need to impress her because of this. I have tried to have a better relationship with her but when it doesn’t go her way, it’s almost like she finds a way to tell me I’m like my dad. It’s an insult, never an honorable mention.
But, people really believe when we’re squiggly sperms in our father’s nutsacks, we’re actively choosing HIM to parent us. Right.
I also get angry around Father’s Day because my daughter experienced the idea of good fatherhood for 4 years of her life and then it was snatched away from her. It infuriates me that he CAN be a good father, but he just chooses not to be anymore. He also broke his promise to be here every step of the way. She deserves for that promise to be kept but there’s nothing I can do about it being broken.
According to some people, I shouldn’t speak on this BECAUSE I chose him. This also pushes me closer to manic rage because I didn’t choose the man he became. I chose to be with someone who said they wouldn’t have me out here raising our daughter by myself. He said he’d be here every step of the way… but that’s no longer the case. Our daughter has a father who’s lived 20 minutes from her for 4 years and she’s only seen him three times. Prior to that, when we lived in California for 4 years, he didn’t come visit once. But he did travel to other states during that time. Do you really think I chose THAT for her? Do you really think she chose THAT for herself?
I hope to all the higher power, no one does.
Yet, the onus of terrible fathering often falls on the children and the mothers. Is it fair? Not even a little bit but what can WE do about it? The children and mothers have no control over fathers choosing to be good parents… because for a lot of men, it’s JUST a choice, not a lifelong commitment of being fully present. So, no, I don’t have much to say regarding Father’s Day when it comes to my dad or my daughter’s dad.
I do know some good fathers and I wish them a Happy Father’s Day. It’s my hope that they never cause their daughter’s to feel any kind of way that me and my daughter have felt. I hope that they realize the privilege they’ve been given to sire another human being. There isn’t a Father’s Day that goes by that I’m not happy for other people with good fathers as I mourn what I will never have… and possibly what my daughter will never have again.
Father’s Day is a time of grief and mourning for me… because there’s nothing I can do about my father and my child’s father not being part of the happy that would make this day worth fully acknowledging. May no one I know ever know what this feels like….
