Consistency in Showing up for the Children is Essential
A friend said something that I think about often but she repeated it today in our conversation. To paraphrase, she stated that people who aren’t responsible for taking care of another person EVERYDAY don’t always understand what’s truly involved in taking care of children. In that moment, I knew that she understood my view on being present in children’s lives.
One of my biggest fears is that I will fuck up this parenting thing. While it isn’t comfortable to admit, the more I say it aloud, the more I’m able to face why I have this fear. I had convinced myself that I didn’t like children, at an early age. So, when my doctor told me at 18/19 that I couldn’t have children, I was relieved. There were a couple of times in my 20s that I thought it was a misdiagnosis but I never had a pregnancy until my daughter was conceived. I briefly entertained the idea of terminating the pregnancy because I knew I didn’t want to raise a child on my own. I didn’t apply any pressure to Bug’s father about going through with the pregnancy. In fact, I gave him an out because being a single mother never appealed to me.
He acknowledged that the decision was ultimately mine but promised that he would be present every step of the way. I can remember repeating that if he even had one feeling that the responsibility of parenting would interfere with whatever his future plans were, then we shouldn’t move forward. To me, children aren’t just our responsibility when it’s convenient or until they’re 18 years old. Parenting is a lifetime commitment because our children NEVER stop needing us; they just need us in different capacities over the years. Despite my spill about responsibility, he still promised to always be in her life.
As of today, the last time he saw her was on her 13th birthday. Our daughter turns 15 years old in exactly four months. However, he failed to keep his promise long before now.
That very real fear that I’m going to fuck up this parenting thing stems from feeling like I’m the only person who is committed to the care of my daughter… regardless of all the talk that’s reverberated about it taking a village to raise a child. Shouldn’t a village include other adults that are also determined to make sure they’re fully present and permanent in the child’s life?
When I picked my daughter’s godparents, it was based off of my commitment to her. If something were to happen to me, I wanted to make sure they were two people who would continue to cultivate a love of the arts in her, encourage independent thinking, teach her responsibility for self, show her what a determination to succeed looks like, and instill a set of values that would align with all of these things. In my mind, the things I appreciated the most about those two people would show up in their relationship with her. However, it didn’t turn out anywhere close to that. The person I chose to be her godmother only acknowledged my daughter’s presence during my pregnancy and only for a short time after she was born. My daughter quickly became an afterthought and took a backseat to everything else going on in her life. The first time they met, Bug was 8 years old and viewed her as nothing more than a stranger. Bug doesn’t really have a relationship with her godfather even though he was present for a longer period of time. He has a family of his own now so I often wonder how he’d feel or if he’d care at all if his children’s godparents weren’t present in their lives. He’s aware that Bug’s godmother is non-existent in her life but I’m guessing he views himself differently.
There have been other people I’ve brought into my daughter’s life that seemed to be permanent fixtures at the time but after some time, I learned she was as temporary as anything or anyone else they weren’t committed to…
Each time that I’ve had to accept that people who are supposed to be close to her but aren’t, it’s like a slow burn. A million and five thoughts start racing through my mind and one sits front and center:
WHY HAVE YOU PICKED SUCH FLAKY PEOPLE TO BE IN HER LIFE?
But I’ve come to the realization that I cannot accept responsibility for other people’s decisions. Yes, me thinking I MUST be responsible when they fall short is unnecessary guilt I’ve held onto because it feels like I’ve failed at building a sustainable community for us. But much like any other relationship in life, you can’t force people to stay or do anything they don’t want to do. It still doesn’t hurt any less to know that these same people know how to show up for others but they CHOSE not to show up for my daughter. It does make me want to ask “Why?” Like, what happened that made the idea of being each others chosen family so great of a thing one minute but something that they now could so easily walk away from? Yes, I do take it personal and I can’t say this will ever change because I know how amazing of a person my daughter is… she just deserves better.
She has been this amazing human since conception. I can remember being pregnant and having conversations with her and feeling her kick or hit with perfect timing when I would ask questions or show any excitement. When she was born, she expressed that same enthusiasm from the minute she woke up until she closed her eyes to sleep. Full of smiles, laughter, curiosity, and love. This hasn’t changed much as she’s gotten older, although I now see her cautiously pick and choose which adults she trusts. In fact, she asked if the older sister of the former friend I mentioned at the beginning of this post, could be her godmother instead of who I chose. Honestly, that’s probably who I would have chosen if our friendship wasn’t on ice when I got pregnant. Mainly because she LOVES children and SHOWS that shit… and it has been consistent for the almost 30 years that I’ve known her.
And I guess that’s what this is all about. If we say we love children, shouldn’t we have to make good on those words? Shouldn’t those words mean something? Because loving someone SHOULD mean something… right? It shouldn’t just be some words we utter in an effort to make ourselves or others feel better. Loving others should involve BEING PRESENT because how else will people know we do? And I don’t think it fair to imply that people should just be grateful for the bread crumbs of presence they receive when we all know that doesn’t cultivate meaningful relationships.
I think it’s easy to tell people to focus on the people who are present. However, when there are people taking up space with notions that they’re just busy, they forgot, or anything else to deflect from doing their part, it pulls the focus towards them not being present in meaningful ways. So, yes, I do appreciate the few who consistently show up in comparison to the many who don’t and haven’t. However I’d be a liar if I said this doesn’t bother me and that I’ll stop caring about it because… it does and I do.
As a parent who gives a fuck about what I’m teaching my daughter, I think I’ll always care about who shows up when it matters to us, not just when it’s convenient for them.
