In a Word? Abuse.

abuse of any kind has always felt like it was melting my mind.

The human experience is different for everyone. I will never be dismissive of this… to dismiss one person's experience is to widely open the door for that nasty energy to be returned to me. No, thank you.

However, I've come to notice that people will readily dismiss abuse in favor of sympathizing with abusers. There are very common phrases said when someone speaks up about abuse they've experienced.

"What did you do to make them do that to you?"

"What happened to make them behave that way?"

"Nobody's perfect."

"Everyone makes mistakes."

These things are said like abuse is the equivalent of forgetting to tell the cashier to hold the mayonnaise on someone’s burger that you know hates the taste… when abuse should never be viewed as some simple slip up. Abuse is quite the opposite; it’s just as intentional as it is painful. No one accidentally abuses another person.

None of the above utterances convey support for the person who's been/being abused but they definitely center the abuser. After hearing people say this so much, even when it comes to people they don't know, I've come to the conclusion that this happens when 1) they haven't suffered at the hands of an abuser 2) don't define abuse as what it actually is 3) are in denial, and/or 4) have abused people or currently do and don't want to address their own behaviors.

I spoke with an African man the other day at length about abuse because of his belief that no matter what a parent does to a child, it is STILL the child's duty to take care of their aging parents. I mention that he is African because his beliefs stem from his cultural upbringing. So, it's important to reference. However, there are Black Americans who feel the same way. I know this from lived experience and growing up around other Black people. It is considered disrespectful to NOT take care of your (elderly) parents even when they have harmed or still harm you.

This is part of the Black culture I choose not to embrace.

The African man made lots of assumptions about me and my parents that were obviously projections. He doesn't know me but assumed I haven't reached out to my mother (or father) to discuss how I feel. He doesn't know her but assumed that she loves me...when I (HER CHILD) can give you a laundry list of ACTIONS that indicate she doesn't. He told me that I need to develop a spirit of forgiveness and open my heart to love more because if I did, I'd understand that people are imperfect and make mistakes… as if I’m incapable of deciphering imperfection and mistakes from intentional and repeated behaviors. He even went so far as to say that "your mother needs you more than you need her."

Which is a statement the farthest from our truth than he will ever know.

However, in this man's mind, my mother's aging takes precedence over ANY of my concerns and even more important than her previous AND current behaviors. I should be respectful and center her because she is an elder. He even shared an example of a man who was sickly and alone because he had no one to take care of him. Not even his child would care for him. As if that had anything to do with me. The entire conversation with this man was borderline exhausting because of the refusal to hear what I was saying… which is all too familiar.

Then he shares (paraphrasing here) that he's curious because he thought that maybe he might have abused his daughters and just didn't realize it. And here is why I think a lot of people perpetuate harmful practices, beliefs, and immediately support abusers over those being abused... what if you are also an abuser?

But as long as we are alive, we have opportunities to change. So if you have such an aversion to being called an abuser, what are you willing to do to NOT be one? And therein lies the gotcha moment... a lot of people have no desire to question/challenge their belief systems. So many of us would rather dig our heels into the muck and mire of our ugly ass “ignorance” than do anything different. This is a level of sadness that doesn't evoke pity from me but causes me to know it's not the company I want to keep.

There are a lot of people who can be categorized as abusers who will never change because it requires them to give up control or power over a person or situation. Abusers are aware that the behavior is wrong because they don't treat everyone abusively; abusive behaviors are reserved for people viewed as powerless and able to be controlled. So, no. I don't empathize or sympathize with abusers. My energy is for the abused because they need the support, concern, care, and advocating. Get someone else to grind away at rehabilitating abusers cause it aint me.

There was more shared in the conversation between myself and the man but I was very clear that his personal beliefs don't dictate what other people should do with their parents. So, it never fails for people to bring God into the conversation as a means to shame or frighten me into accepting their beliefs. However, I don't fear religious entities. I don't want to worship anything or anyone that requires me to be in fear of them. I lived in fear of the two people who were supposed to protect me from the rest of the world, but they couldn't even manage to protect me from themselves.

I feared the violent nature of my father that he strategically hid from outsiders. I feared constantly being abandoned by anyone who says "I love you" because of being abandoned by a mother who said "I love you more" as if she meant it every time. It wasn't until after praying incessantly to God, who I was supposed to fear because of their almighty greatness and those prayers evaporating between my lips and its ears, that I realized maybe fear isn't the motivator I'd been taught it was.

Funny how abuse taught me to release what I'd grown to believe about fear. It didn't happen overnight and it took lots of familiarity in my romantic relationships and friendships before accepting that I deserve better than abusive familiarity. I deserve to be around people who will NOT prioritize the abuser over the abused. I deserve to be around people who deliver the actions to backup all the "I love you more" replies (sidebar: please don't ever say "I love you more" to me). I deserve to be cared about in the present moments, not as an afterthought when I'm no longer around. I deserve to honor sacred spaces that don't require me to fear anything/anyone that might be superior to me in nature.

The abused deserve so much more than they have ever received. For this reason alone, I wish people would challenge their curiosity of abuse. Because if we're more interested in if the abuser is being mistreated than if the abused is okay, we're also part of the abusive problem.