What If I Don’t Love You?
A lot of us were taught at a young age that if someone says “I love you”, you need to say it back. Some of the reasoning was that it was rude if you didn’t; a lot of it revolved around familial relationships and there being a duty to respond in kind BECAUSE they’re family. This has always been something that I didn’t agree with but when I lived in my parents home, I said it back to anyone there because if I didn’t, I’d get in trouble. The “trouble” would range from a lecture of some kind about me not being loving for not saying it back to writing sentences and even later on, affection being withheld until I replied with “I love you” the next time it was said. None of those things convinced me that saying “I love you” was the right response; it did make me start believing that people who did things like that actually didn’t love me.
So, the minute I had a piece of freedom from my parents home, I committed to not saying “I love you” unless I actually loved the person. I began to understand that a lot of people believed what my parents and siblings believed; if it’s said, say it back. Even when I would respond with “thank you”, I could still see and hear confusion that I didn’t say it in return. I’ve even had people immediately repeat it, as if saying it again would push me to finally say it. While that awkward moment might lead some people to say “I love you” so the moment will end, I still don’t say it.
Here’s why.
There’s nothing worse than hearing someone tell you “I love you” all the time but how they treat you is the farthest thing from love. Yes, people might have different definitions of love but none of them should be accompanied with manipulation, abuse, and toxic behavior. So, if any of that shit exists in the relationship, whether it’s being worked on or boundaries have to keep being reinforced to protect myself, I’ll more than likely not say “I love you”… because I don’t.
I don’t teach my daughter to say “I love you” to ANYONE, myself included, if she isn’t being or feeling loved. Sometimes she doesn’t say it back when she’s upset at something I’ve said and that’s okay. She isn’t required to mirror my feelings back to me. I also let her know not to weaponize the phrase when her behavior has had a negative impact on others in an effort to get them to feel something else simply because she’s uncomfortable. This is a work in progress because she doesn’t like people close to her to be upset with her but I remind her that if she wants space to feel how she wants to feel, it’s kind to extend that same space to others. If I’m nothing else in life, I’m honest and fair.
And when we tell people we love them when we really don’t we’re not being honest or fair…. because imagine how we’ve felt every time it’s become clear someone whose been saying “I love you”, really doesn’t. It fucking sucks and it makes you question if they ever felt love at any point in the relationship or if it was simply said to get something out of us that they needed more for themselves.
Are people allowed to ask me why I didn’t say it back? Sure. I’m not scared to be transparent but in my 44 years of life, I’ve only been asked once or twice. My answers weren’t received well but I didn’t care about the person to the point of love just yet in one instance. The other time, I knew the person was saying it to deflect from some behavior that was negatively impacting me; I knew it was manipulation. With the first person, I eventually said “I love you” because I grew to trust them more. The love I have for people grows based on various things but it’s typically because of who they are, how they show up in the world, and how it reflects in our relationship. I don’t believe that once you’ve loved someone you’ll always automatically love them or that the love will be the same. Sometimes we find out people aren’t who they professed themselves to be so we’re put in a position to either learn how to love this new display of who they are or bow out of the relationship because it’s now something we didn’t sign up for and no longer want.
We have the right to choose.
However, I think when we look at love as something that is automatically present forever, we unfairly force ourselves to do things like say “I love you”, when we really don’t. I understand this is an unpopular take and some people reading this might view this as heartless. I also understand love shouldn’t feel icky because then? It more than likely isn’t even love. So, while we’re allowed to feel how we want about love, I think it’s important to remember that within that same space, we’re allowed to not say it when we know we don’t love people.
