Tough Conversations
It’s interesting how many people think that when others have tough conversations, they actually like having them. I’ve heard similar sentiment expressed with people who will confront issues and the people causing the issues. There’s an assumption that these people enjoy confrontation… when a lot of the time, that assumption is so far from the truth.
I’m a person who’ll have the tough conversations and confront shit. NOT BECAUSE I ENJOY BRISTLING UP AGAINST OTHERS. In fact, I HATE IT and it’s ALWAYS agonizing. I’m getting better at managing the amount of anxiety I have before having the conversation and after, especially when one conversation doesn’t yield a solution. However, I 100% understand that nothing of significance can be accomplished in a padded room of performative niceness, forced smiles, and tip-toeing. Not confronting things often leads to passive aggressiveness. “Feeling some type of way” and not speaking on it requires hefty amounts of energy that could be directed towards resolving shit. Part of developing our self-awareness also involves observing others and the best way to interact with people. Yes, we can lean into a one size fits all approach to how we handle everything and everyone but toes will still get stepped on, apologies will continue to be necessary, and if any of those people matter beyond simply coexisting on Earth together, realigning will need to take place.
A lot of times the tough conversations and confrontation comes down to how much does this person, relationship, or situation matter to us. For some people, their fear of losing whatever is directly in front of them is so strong that they’ll sabotage it all so they can see the loss coming instead of feeling like it was due to having the conversation or being confrontational. Oddly, there are forms of inaction that people take to avoid action that land them exactly in the spaces they claim they want to avoid. However, I think it’s difficult to see that’s what’s happening when you’re sitting directly in the situation.
I suppose when people are used to being abandoned, betrayed, let down, or having distance put between themselves and someone they care about when they speak up, it becomes like an instant reflex to think everyone will respond and react the same. I 100% understand this also. Out of the last 10 tough personal conversations I’ve had, 9 of them have kickstarted the inevitable breaking away of relationships I’d had for years, most being decades. In my mind, those years were the supportive foundation that could get us through the tough conversations that can be part of the relationship maintenance. Despite the obvious discomfort, I still tend to believe tough conversations aren’t indicators that our season is ending.
However, THIS is how I see things; that my people are worth having the conversation. If I call you a friend and if we’ve become close enough to refer to one another as family, I sincerely believe you’re worth whatever time it’s going to take to hash it out, get clarity, and amicably move forward. I’ve been accepting that sometimes this feeling isn’t mutual. Even if they were to say it was, that isn’t the actions that have been displayed AFTER the tough conversation. I also understand this 100%. Accountability and responsibility are two words that have become part of the trendy buzz we see ad nauseam online. To a degree, it siphons some of the power away that these words possess, causing some of us to bypass having integrity to ourselves, our word, and to those around us.
A lot of times we view our closer relationships as places of safety, but for some people that also translates into a zone free from confrontation. However, if any of our relationships NEVER have disagreement, that’s a red flag, not a safe zone. The fact that we’re different people is a big enough indicator that we won’t always agree on everything. Does the disagreement have to always result in a tough conversation or another form of uneasy confrontation? Not at all. But if we tell ourselves that disagreeing will rock the boat of our relationship too much, we don’t have the safe space we’ve led ourselves to believe exists.
Safe spaces have room for disagreement but it’s HOW we disagree that keeps the space safe. Differences of thought that stem simply from opinions are things that typically won’t require unnecessary energy output. Differences of opinion that in some way oppress others thoughts and feelings is when our safe spaces become danger zones. Being honest with ourselves about this allows us to stay honest with the people we’ll need to confront when these issues arise. However, knowing that we’re on the same page about what behaviors are worth addressing and which are inconsequential to the growth of the relationship is also important.
This is a topic that can be expounded at length. But it all boils down to tough conversations are difficult for a reason. They’re rarely if ever easy for anyone involved. However, we get to decide how much something or someone means to us when we actually choose to have them instead of becoming avoidant. We cannot control how someone will react or respond but that shouldn’t be our aim; focusing on how to get others to react and respond involves manipulation, which is another issue in and of itself. Yes, we can be kind and compassionate with our delivery but there will be some things that need to be directly addressed where no amount of sugar can coat the shit.
So, either we take a deep breath and commit to continued growth with our relationships or we dodge all the things that make us uneasy. Despite me 100% understanding why people would choose the latter, I know none of us are better off when we make that choice. So, I’ll still be having the tough conversations when I can. I’ll be willing to learn more about myself and others. I’ll also continue to entertain a view other than my own about things that involve more than just myself, and maybe this will aid me in being more aligned with those who also 100% understand that some confrontation is healthy and necessary.
