Memento Mori - November 2024

November has come and gone….

My last memento stated that I would be writing about my joy for the rest of the year.

However…

…because I intentionally acknowledge reality as it’s happening (even when it fucking sucks), I have to say that October was still semi-dreadful. That’s all the acknowledgement I will give it… for now.

The month of October was over before it started and yet it still managed to heavily bleed into my November. It’s been non-stop with me becoming the proverbial soccer mom (Bug doesn’t play soccer; she swims), becoming a full-time chauffeur to the kiddo since her volunteering, leadership commitments, and social life have ramped up. Funny thing is I started preparing for this over a year ago because I knew it was going to happen, I just didn’t know when. So instead of cleats and dirt in the trunk, we have the sweet aroma of chlorine and the dampness of swim fins. Practice is from 7:45p-9p, Monday - Thursday; we both look forward to Friday just to have a few more hours of rest in the evening.

Speaking of rest, I’ve been taking a few cues from my kid about resting. She’s never been one to deny herself sleep or just being a rest potato when necessary. She’s actually one of the best examples about making time to rest. She will decline invites to go have fun with friends if she hasn’t gotten enough energy during the week. Sometimes she’ll pause her work to just rest and it doesn’t mean she’s even sleeping. She’s deadass serious about being still and being a potato. We’ve all seen what potatoes do when they’re left alone. They sprout new growth… and she’s no exception to that rule. I love that she’s grown to manage her time better so she can balance her work, play and rest, without too much intervening from me. Granted, it might go off the rails at times but she’s a teenager, and more importantly a human being who must learn from her experiences. No different from anyone else. I notice where her growth pops up and it makes me even more proud of her than I already am.

I do think she can be a bit over the top about being a straight A student but everything is a competition with this kid. Her words, not mine: “You aren’t the only one who can get perfect grades!” Mind you, I don’t have perfect grades. I just haven’t gotten less than a A in the last 3 years… and it was during the early part of the pandemic, I’d had a major surgery, my father had passed away, and my body & brain didn’t give no fucks about what grade I was getting. While my advisors all said “C’s get degrees”, that isn’t something I lean into unless life is at its peak level of overwhelm. I cannot help but think about the amount of debt it’s taking to even attain this degree and since I gotta pay for this debt, I might as well get the grades reflective of how much I think this education is truly worth. My brain won’t allow me to do mediocre work for such a hefty price. So, I do my best… and it just so happens to land me on the Dean’s List and a few honor societies. I’d be lying if I said Bug wasn’t watching me though… I can tell when I need to tighten my shit up too because when I slack off, so does she.

My pushing through will always be about me but being watched like a hawk makes it about her too.

The older Bug gets the more I like her as a person. There hasn’t really been a time when I didn’t like her though… even in our 6-7 year rough patch. I still liked her. Her behaviors were the most challenging I’ve ever had to deal with but she was processing a lot of things that were out of her control. Imagine a 4 year old trying to figure out why their life had suddenly changed for the absolute worst and assuming it was their fault. I don’t put any blame on her for not knowing what to do, say, or be during those years. Hell, I didn’t know what to do, say, or be either and I’m 30 years older than her. We were both dealing with something that was new, spirit crushing, confusing, and at the time, seemed unbearable. It’s ALWAYS a mentally tough battle trying to resolve why someone you’d never imagined leaving actually does. It makes forever seem like a word that should have never been created. It fucks with your head… a lot. I know it has for me since childhood so I don’t hold Bug to a higher standard. She’s human and has to learn about life, no different than me.

I sat on this post for two months and didn’t post it because I wasn’t in a sharing mood… even if it was with just the ether of the net. I’ve returned to hit “Publish” because I should have posted the December Memento Mori too. I’ll touch on the delays in the next post… stay tuned. November bled into December in some of the most unexpected ways. For instance, I turned 45 and… it was anticlimactic for a plethora of reasons. I am admitting this out loud that I 100% allowed external shit (people and things) to rain on my 45th parade. It isn’t anything I want to list in detail right now but it was somewhat of a wake up call to start a new tradition for my birthday…more so to fortify the happiness I want to maintain the entire month of November. I want to ensure that even when it is clear that others have no interest in celebrating me or celebrating me in ways that are important to me, I will no longer let it knock the wind out of me celebrating myself. Here we go into December….

Memento Mori: November 2023

I had been debating on doing another Memento Mori for a while now. It’s been two years and I came to the conclusion that, moving forward, I’ll start doing them every year. It’s a way to chronicle my life as it constantly changes. Some of the changes require reflection so I can appreciate where I am and what it took to get (t)here. Plus, my daughter incessantly nags me about talking about my life. It seems inappropriate to divulge some stuff to her mainly because (as of today) she’s only 14 years old. However, she likes to randomly google me so if she ever finds this blog, she can read what she wants.

I decided to do this one a little different regarding when I post. I used to wait for the month to go by and then post as a reflection of the previous month. This time around I’m posting on the 1st day of every month. So without further adieu, let’s get into living the rest of this life.

The older I get the more I notice conversations about people not wanting to get old and searching for any and everything in an effort to be forever young. I’ll be 44 years old in 21 days and I look at it as another year to learn more, not fight crows feet, these sagging tits, dimpled ass, and rice krispy knees. Never mind the fact that perimenopause has kicked in and given me the gift of acne as if I was entering a second puberty. It sucks BUT I AM one year closer to not being afflicted with a menstrual cycle. This is one of the benefits of aging. Another one is the expectation that you’ll have far less fucks to give about pretty much everything because you’re closer to the seemingly final expiration date. I haven’t stopped caring about everything though. I'm choosing to tap into a younger version of myself that focused on 5 things in life: friends, family, money, books, and food. Anything outside of these things or anything related to them, didn’t get any of my time. So, this is when returning to my past to move forward comes in handy.

I also find myself being annoyed when people attempt to get me to focus on other shit outside of those 5 things. I figure I have a good 40-50 years of life left to live and I’ll be damned if ANY of it’s spent doing ANYTHING I don’t want to do. I used a sizable portion of my first four decades of life being accommodating to others and it isn’t the self-sacrifice I care to continue. Sure, this can be seen as veering off into the land of self-serving bitchiness BUT I challenge that notion with the alternative of NOT going to the opposite extreme.

That’s something else that I’ve been observing… how common it is for people to think in binary terms about EVERYTHING…. when we don’t have to. There’s a multitude of space between left and right so I never have to venture too far into any side. I can fluidly reside where the universe allows me to for the rest of my life… and I can do it without listening to anyone tell me how my old ass life should be finished. I think there’s value in living your best life at any age but as we age, it becomes necessary. My Memento Mori of 2023 - 2024 will remember the inevitability of death but also that I can still enjoy the life I’m living.

Here’s to my Obama year. I welcome you, 44.