Memento Mori: December 2023

My birth month has come and gone. Entering December came a little faster than I wanted.

I turned 44 years old last month and it doesn’t feel any different than 43 but that’s life. I’ve only had a few birthdays when something felt significantly different. I owe those to major life changes that happened within the prior year. I will say something that happened in the last year that feels different is acknowledgement from a couple of people that felt more genuine than I’ve ever felt in my life. Sometimes people say things because they think they’re supposed to and I can feel that obligatory energy. It’s not even difficult to describe because it’s very different from someone specifically stating things in detail that let you know they SEE you.

For instance, I have friends who tell me that I am a good mother but… WHY are YOU saying I’m a good mother? Because of the obvious? I make sure Bug is fed, clothed, educated, and loved. That’s legit basic low level parenting shit. Not to downplay it but I’m supposed to do that regardless of what life throws at me. However, when someone says something detail oriented that indicates they have been closely paying attention to what I do as a mother/parent? It’s hella different.

A close friend recently acknowledged some heavy life shit that I have been dealing with alone. They apologized for not being as present of a friend in the last few years of me dealing with getting divorced, losing a parent, moving across country, raising a child with no familial support (solidarity), having a major surgery, finishing up my bachelors degree, and having chronic illnesses. Even typing that out was a bit exhausting. I must be honest and say I haven’t processed my father’s death or this stupid, fucking divorce that took far too long to be over and done with. I haven’t processed a lot of the 44 years I’ve lived that involve traumatic ass shit because I haven’t had the space to just fucking fall to pieces.

I don’t advise anyone to suppress heavy shit. It’s so fucking draining and little bits of your unprocessed shit will either start randomly leaking out or you’ll full blown bleed all over anyone who gets close to you. We can have the attitude that we don’t have time to sit and work through shit because we gotta pay these bills, feed these children, and keep one foot in front of the other. We’re only fooling ourselves into putting off the inevitable breakdown that’s coming. This Memento Mori reminds me to fully live the rest of my life as I wind down to the eternal nap and in doing that, I have to acknowledge all of the life that I’m refusing to process. With that being said, I’m going to be open to more moments of tears, talking about how I feel, and asking (fuck that, begging) the universe to align me with people who don’t act like they’re allergic to feeling and having all the emotions.

I also watched Indiana Jones: Dial of Destiny and cried at the end. My dad loved Indiana Jones but also when Indy’s goddaughter “selfishly” told him he couldn’t stay in 215 B.C. before punching him in the jaw? Seeing her moment of vulnerability that was saying Indy you can’t stay here because I NEED YOU, is what made me cry. Indy was being a crotchety old fuck, acting like he didn’t need or care about anyone but he just needed a reminder that HE was cared about too.

And that’s also what I need in December… to be FULLY reminded (see: SHOW ME) by more people that I’m cared about because I don’t feel it most days… and it could just be these stupid as fuck perimenopausal hormones but I got a good 40-50 years left in me. I can afford to keep saying I want to be cared about until the very end.

It’s true that we cannot solve our problems with the same tools that created them so I have to clean out my emotional tool box. All of the sensitive parts of me might feel like foil on fillings but eventually those silver bitches get replaced with something healthier and more sustainable. Eventually, I won’t cringe at all of the things that once triggered me because I’ll learn how to manage all the emotions I steered clear of for so long. So December, give me your best shot at making me feel.

Memento Mori: November 2023

I had been debating on doing another Memento Mori for a while now. It’s been two years and I came to the conclusion that, moving forward, I’ll start doing them every year. It’s a way to chronicle my life as it constantly changes. Some of the changes require reflection so I can appreciate where I am and what it took to get (t)here. Plus, my daughter incessantly nags me about talking about my life. It seems inappropriate to divulge some stuff to her mainly because (as of today) she’s only 14 years old. However, she likes to randomly google me so if she ever finds this blog, she can read what she wants.

I decided to do this one a little different regarding when I post. I used to wait for the month to go by and then post as a reflection of the previous month. This time around I’m posting on the 1st day of every month. So without further adieu, let’s get into living the rest of this life.

The older I get the more I notice conversations about people not wanting to get old and searching for any and everything in an effort to be forever young. I’ll be 44 years old in 21 days and I look at it as another year to learn more, not fight crows feet, these sagging tits, dimpled ass, and rice krispy knees. Never mind the fact that perimenopause has kicked in and given me the gift of acne as if I was entering a second puberty. It sucks BUT I AM one year closer to not being afflicted with a menstrual cycle. This is one of the benefits of aging. Another one is the expectation that you’ll have far less fucks to give about pretty much everything because you’re closer to the seemingly final expiration date. I haven’t stopped caring about everything though. I'm choosing to tap into a younger version of myself that focused on 5 things in life: friends, family, money, books, and food. Anything outside of these things or anything related to them, didn’t get any of my time. So, this is when returning to my past to move forward comes in handy.

I also find myself being annoyed when people attempt to get me to focus on other shit outside of those 5 things. I figure I have a good 40-50 years of life left to live and I’ll be damned if ANY of it’s spent doing ANYTHING I don’t want to do. I used a sizable portion of my first four decades of life being accommodating to others and it isn’t the self-sacrifice I care to continue. Sure, this can be seen as veering off into the land of self-serving bitchiness BUT I challenge that notion with the alternative of NOT going to the opposite extreme.

That’s something else that I’ve been observing… how common it is for people to think in binary terms about EVERYTHING…. when we don’t have to. There’s a multitude of space between left and right so I never have to venture too far into any side. I can fluidly reside where the universe allows me to for the rest of my life… and I can do it without listening to anyone tell me how my old ass life should be finished. I think there’s value in living your best life at any age but as we age, it becomes necessary. My Memento Mori of 2023 - 2024 will remember the inevitability of death but also that I can still enjoy the life I’m living.

Here’s to my Obama year. I welcome you, 44.