Memento Mori: March 2021

The month of March has been a reminder of the fact that I’m aging. So here’s my constant stream of thought from this month…

I want to be clear, I’m not afraid of getting, being, or called old. It’s no walk in the park but it IS weird because of how many people my age (and older) abhor being (called) old. They’ll try to reframe it every chance they get, even stating that being old is only a state of mind. Sure, Jan. Our bodies don’t flex, heal or operate the way they used to when we were younger and THAT’S OKAY! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with accepting this as a fact.

So… I feel more comfortable being around people who don’t run from aging. While people who are obsessed with not aging might look at it as some sole endeavor to stay forever young, the comments made about their lack of youth (and others) remain cringey as fuck. You think people don’t like themselves when they’re teenagers or in their 20s? Talk to someone close to 40 years of age and older who never want to get old or look their age. It’s like listening to a teenager on a thousand.

I’ve fallen for the third time in the last 9 months and due to aging, my body is like “awww, fuck you.” I’ve lived with chronic pain all my life but it was easier to just push through because there was always some liquor to drink. Once I became a teenager, there was also something illegal to ingest that helped tone down the pain. I remember when I found out I was pregnant, part of that 7 minutes of crying on the toilet was because I knew if I went through with the pregnancy, I couldn’t use the same coping mechanisms I’d been using to deal with the pain. Unbeknownst to most people, this is also one of the reasons my pregnancy was extremely difficult for me. Bug was 100% healthy the entire time. I was in excruciating pain, most days.

The doctor who is going to do the surgery on my arm made me feel a hell of a lot better about all the recent additional pain. He never once insinuated I was exaggerating or that it wasn’t as bad as I felt. The procedure he’s going to do will allow me to get back to using my left arm that’s been pretty much out of commission for the last 6 months. We had a good laugh about this being the beginning of my mid-life crisis. Why wait until my presidential year when I can get started during 41?!

As you can see, the running theme of March has been PAIN.

There’s also been a lot of emotional and mental turmoil. The divorce proceedings have started and even though I’m ELATED for this shit to finally be in motion, my anxiety escalates every time I think about the discovery process. Not mine but the discovery of the spouse. Will he do what he said he would and keep it cute so it remains uncontested? Or will he do what I know him best to do… ignore what he doesn’t want to address? If he picks the latter, my attorney fees go up and so does my stress.

My father is also on his last leg. This is something some people have been hearing from me for the last 4 years or so. I’ve joked about him dying because it’s my sordid way of coping with grief I don’t even want about a person who doesn’t really love me… but gotdam these genetics, I still have a modicum of love for him. My mom says she worries about how my sister and brother will deal with my father passing… but she isn’t worried about me. Typical of my family. They don’t worry about me, even when my life is in shit shambles BECAUSE I’m the one who always manages to survive. Nice. Even though my brother and sister are doing the same damn thing… managing to survive. That’s been the sad story of our lives.

I almost felt like there were no silver linings to this month but there were actually some pretty good ones. Despite my commitment to myself to not finish things on a good note in an effort to give the appearance that I’m a positive person all the time, the following is some shit that really did make me smile amid the chaos. Two of my friends had birthdays this month and it reminded me of the people who DO care about me. They’re great fucking people and I’m fortunate to have them in my life. They both live thousands of miles away but the effort they put into us remaining friends? The shit’s appreciated.

Also, my kid. She’s truly one of the most amazing people I know. There might be a smidge of bias here but I genuinely like her as a person. Her presence legit makes my days better.

So as I enter April, I look forward to less pain (after this surgery), more celebrating (a few more friends have birthdays) and the growth that comes with moving on through life.

Goodness gracious 41 is turning out to be a tough old bird.