Memento Mori: February 2021
The irony of this being the shortest month of the year but it is taking the longest to recap is… telling.
I started this memento mori three times before finally stopping and closing my laptop. I remembered that I’m supposed to be writing intentionally, not just because another month of 2021 has passed and content is king. I’ve decided I’m okay with saying “I FEEL” in conversations and when I write. I’d edited it out of my language as much as possible or added “think and FEEL” because of something I was told many moons ago about saying “I FEEL.”
I was told that if I used “I FEEL” in my speech, it would cause people to think I’m led by my emotions and to avoid that, say “I think” so that it’ll be clear I’m logical. It has taken me decades to stop believing this, even while knowing to be as wholly a human being as possible, we will make the best decisions when we unite our heart AND mind. This isn’t to say November, December and January weren’t written using both. It is to say I was avoiding it for February and that’s why everything I wrote FELT shitty.
February has been full of me FEELING. I’m not comfortable with most of these FEELINGS. As I type this, I’m also acknowledging the uncomfortableness of March that started seeping in a couple weeks ago. My due date for the kid I’ll never give birth to was March 26, 2016. Every fiber of my being told me I was having a boy and every year that goes by since my decision in 2015, the thought that I won’t be having a son settles deeper into the cement of my… FEELINGS. Grief is one of those things that you don’t know how it’s going to FEEL until it hits you. You don’t know how you’re going to deal with it or what new sensitivities you’ll develop because of it either.
There were good things that happened in February, but grief makes me forget what FEELS good until my mourning spirit goes back into hibernation. If I had to explain what it FEELS like, I’d say it’s like depression. Almost like there wasn’t any sunshine or happiness prior to what I’m grieving and there won’t be any to come. Yes, logic tells me that one dark and gloomy event that happened in my 41 years of life shouldn’t overshadow the multitude of bright and cloudless moments. So, I re-read the January memento mori and got stuck on, “January was a time of letting the emotions settle around how to let go of what doesn’t serve my life commitments. As I go into February, I look forward to more air being cleared for the path of destiny I chose a while ago.”
Thinking obsessively about something I cannot undo is human, to me. Healthy? Not really but this has been the cycle for 5 years. It’s too early to tell if by February of 2022, I’ll be ready to let go and view it as something deserving less of my attention. As of today, I’m okay saying I FEEL sad, and I don’t need to follow it up with something light and flowery. I don’t FEEL like sunshine right now and there’s nothing wrong with these FEELINGS. This is what normalizing the spectrum of emotions looks like.
I’m in my FEELINGS and I’m okay with swimming in the deep end because it’s my water to wade in.
I won’t be here forever.
I’m grieving an unborn child because of the thoughts of what I miss and won’t get to love. However, it also reminds me that I still have a kid that needs love and attention.
In a way, February was a reminder to kiss up and rub up and feel up on the ones I love. For March, I want to hold on to the people who matter most, be kinder to myself by FEELING however the fuck I want to FEEL and letting it go as “quickly” as it came.
Here’s to FEELING my way through 9 [more] months of being 41 before I give birth to 42.
