Someone Said Blogging Died… Sure, Jan.
When I speak of my father, it's rarely anything good because I have decades of unresolved trauma from our abusive ass relationship. However, he taught (and showed me) me how to operate in the world of men not as I wish them to be but as he knew they would treat me. Before anyone thinks that's endearing, none of the things he taught me were meant to foster loving relationships; it was meant to protect me from men. So as I've grown into this almost 44 year old woman, I also cannot say that what he taught me wasn't beneficial. I think it's important for women to admit these things because as long as I was following his advice, my emotions were safeguarded... I was also exhibiting the same misogynistic, toxic behavior that's associated with toxic masculinity. Please believe me when I say that patriarchal bullshit doesn't help ANY of us, regardless of how much we think we're currently benefiting from the structures sealed in place over time.
I think a lot of women delude themselves into thinking that they couldn’t possibly be practicing misogyny because they have vaginas. Sexism is honestly no different from any of the other negative isms out there in the sense that IF YOU PRACTICE THE BEHAVIOR ASSOCIATED WITH THE TERM, YOU ARE DOING THE THING. I think the concept of that seems too simple to be true but if we just thought about what happens when non-white people internalize practices of white supremacy (see: respectability politics, colorism, elitism, etc.), the truth of it all would stare us back in the face. Stubbornly clinging to a belief we don’t want to let go of is unattractive as fuck. A lot of us practice shitty belief systems for no other reason than everyone around us is doing it… not because we aren’t being harmed by the same damn belief systems.
I suppose we all have to individually get to a place where the effects of the harm we’re experiencing from shitty belief systems outweighs the benefits. For some women, the benefits of this system is a false sense of superiority to other women because men are validating things they like about us in comparison to what they dislike in other women; some women benefit from being taken care of and this one I wholeheartedly understand because providing for ourselves can be an unbearable weight at times. So we trade in some dignity, self-respect, and our voice to have financial stability. Other women benefit from the system because moving like men has afforded them the success that indicates they’re worth existing in rooms other women can’t manage to squeeze their way into. However, it’s all smoke, mirrors, and self-deception when we lean into these systems that still leave our sisters behind us grasping for freedom from this age old oppression.
I think I subconsciously knew what my father taught me was harmful because it didn’t seem like things people do that love you… but I knew it would give me a modicum of safety in a world where I’ve never been safe, even from him. When men say that they started thinking about things differently once they had a daughter, I relate to that idiocy. I relate, not in a way of encouraging anyone to lean into that as an excuse to evade accountability for our past. I relate because committing to being fully present for my daughter has changed me. It’s changed and is changing me for the better but I know the importance of changing for myself too. The kiddo will be 18 years old in 4 short years and if I don’t change for myself, as much as I say I’m changing for her, I’ll go right back to being who I was the minute I feel less responsible for showing her how a decent human being operates. Just because she becomes a legal adult, that’s not a signal for me to go back to buffoonery. If anything, it’s a reminder to keep being a better human so she knows this process is a lifelong one, not some shit we do only when it’s convenient.
So, this is what transparency and accountability looks like for me… admitting that I haven’t always been a decent human. I also think that in being accountable for our behavior, we have a responsibility to not repeatedly do the shit we’re acknowledging. What better way to do that than to stamp a huge ass digital footprint on the internet as a point of reference?
Happy Hump Day.
