Microwave Relationships

There is an author/therapist that I follow on Instagram, Dr. Nedra Glover Tawwab, and she posts great, thought provoking content. She recently posted an excerpt from an article entitled, Calling out of the blue: Why would you do this to someone you love? The post she had up prior to linking this article was a poll that asked "Do you get anxious when someone calls you out of the blue?" The options to select were "Often" and "Not at all." I must acknowledge that SHE IS the professional here so her post wasn't just some arbitrary bullshit, similar to most of our random ass posts we put throughout our stories. Her shared content assists in helping her market the books she wants to sell and advertising her level of expertise in psychology. However, I didn't select either option because how I feel when someone calls me out of the blue spans farther than those two options.

Depending on who calls me, I look forward to seeing their name appear HOWEVER they communicate with me. There are other people that I have blocked because seeing their names triggers such a high level of anxiety that I immediately feel a panic attack brewing from the tips of my toes. When unrecognizable numbers appear, i experience indifference and send them to voicemail. If it is important, they'll leave a voicemail. Then there's everything between curiosity, rage, apprehension, and other emotions that span the wheel of how I can feel.

I was going to reply to Dr. Tawwab (after I read the article; nothing grinds my gears more than people replying to my post w/o keeping things in full context so I do my best not to do it to other people) but opted out because she has 1.6 million followers and doesn't follow me. Sending her a message is the equivalent of shouting into the social media ether. So, I took to Twitter and typed out my shout but you only get so many characters before you need to create a thread. I reduced and edited my thoughts down to this:

"ppl are yearning for deeper connections. what's concerning is believing it'll happen thru instant msg. intimacy requires greater effort than sending texts/DMs. we've reduced engagement to reposting/liking content, while assuming it's a sustainable model for all r'ships. it isn't."

I shared it in my Instagram stories and was going to add:

"instant messaging (see: WhatsApp, Google Chat, Slack channels, texting, DMs, PMs, etc.) was created to QUICKLY COMMUNICATE. so when we use it as if other meaningful forms of communicating are unnecessary and obsolete, we're also trying to force square pegs into round holes."

Then I remembered I have a whole ass blog I can use to do my "shouting." Something else that this blog reminds me of is that there are people, places, and things that have all the space we need for a deeper level of thought. My thoughts are constantly reduced because the short form of communication is heralded as supreme. However, fully understanding each other requires more than "ILYSM" and "IYKYK", and everything else we've shortened to move on to something or someone else quickly. We constantly display that we desire a deeper level of feeling, love, support, and interactions, yet we cringe when someone we claim to care about calls us or invites us into their home.

We're trying to make fetch happen and it's not ever going to.

I recently received paragraphs of messages in my DMs with someone telling me some EXTREMELY personal information that solicited more of a response than a heart or smiling emoji. The type of information indicated astronomical life changes for themselves and anyone who genuinely cared about them. I stated that this was so important that it should be a conversation in person or, at the very least, over the phone. When I say this was life-altering information, I'm dead ass serious so imagine sending a DM about something this sensitive and missing or adding a word that would change the entire sentiment. Imagine some punctuation is needed or not needed that would manipulate the response from being supportive to rejecting this person's news. Imagine their eyes seeing it faster than you can type to say "oops! I meant..." they close the message shattered, because they thought they could trust you with this sensitive info, only to see they could not.

Now, imagine a slip of the tongue over the phone or in person. Over the phone, tone is immediately detected and you can instantly respond BEFORE they have a moment to assume what was meant. The conversation moves along just fine. Imagine that slip of the tongue in person. Your facial expressions and body language are seen that indicate they're in a safe space so when you say, "no, what I meant" or "excuse me, I meant", it's received with "no worries. I knew what you meant."

Instant messaging has a tiny margin for mistakes, unless you're a fast as fuck texter. Even then, we assume that Verizon, AT&T, Sprint, and T-Mobile are just as lightning-quick with their connectivity as we are with our fingers. Sometimes they aren't and we enter the world of being lost in translation.

Talking on the phone and face-to-face interaction STILL serves an essential purpose. When we treat them as little burdens but post/repost words like:

"The older I get the more I realize that everything really is that deep. The people you confide in, trust, date, become friends with, where you work, the opportunities you take. What you watch, what you eat, and even what you consume, its very deep and shouldn't be taken lightly..."

We're sending mixed messages that are very telling.

How do we get to a place where we can confide and trust? Surely we don't seriously believe that happens in the vacuum of an instant message... or have we convinced ourselves that it can? The scary part is, some of us have. I once started interacting daily with a woman through texts and DMs. She eventually was comfortable enough to start talking on the phone. More time went by, and she was eager to see me when she visited the state where I lived. However, when she visited, there was no call or texts from her, but tons of content posted showing that she was doing precisely what she wanted to be doing. Her choice, but she also started limiting her digital footprint in my world and eventually responded to nothing I would send. To this day, I have no idea what prompted the night and day change. However, she's a mental health professional so she knows that this isn't how you maintain any type of connection with another person.

And we have now arrived at my point. No matter how much personal information we share, instant communication isn't the best tool for a deeper connection. At any given time, we can withdraw and really carry on with life like the budding connection never took place simply by erasing a thread, unfollowing, and even blocking a person and everyone connected to them. If we don't see the person or anyone who communicates with them regularly, it is almost as if they never existed. So, it's odd when we practice this behavior but crave deeper connections.

If we really wanted deeper connections, we'd assess what's keeping us from having them. I'm willing to bet that our unwillingness to do what's required is improving our communication.