Memento Mori: August & September 2024

I’d be lying if I said things to be remembered aren’t carrying over into the month of August. It carried over so much that I didn’t feel compelled to post anything for that post. I purposely waited until my September post so I guess you can say this is a 2 for 1. Might be kind of lengthy too so…

The political climate played a big part in me not wanting to share anything I wrote. The older I become the more I see that whether I want to be involved in politics or not, ALL of our existences are affected by ALL of the people running this godforsaken country. Whether it is on a local, state, or federal level, all forms of government are detrimental to us right now. It sickens me to see our entire country being run by CONGRESS while we sit and fight among each other about who is worse for us… the Black woman or the white Supremacist.

People are scared for a multitude of reasons; some valid and some wildly irrational. We live in a country that doggedly prioritizes profit over people and we have a government that is supposed to be of consistent service to the people but instead operates like a business. Necessary budgets for the growth of humanity are extinguished in the dead of night while other budgets that should be more closely monitored for improperly allocated funds, are protected from proper auditing. This entire country focuses on money, while demanding to know why there is poverty, poor physical/mental health, a housing crisis, broken families, and struggling communities. For everything to be about money, it’s odd for this to not be acknowledged when talking about the collapse of society. It’s always going to point to excessive use of funding in the wrong areas… and greed.

I bring this up in my Memento Mori because I want this moment to be remembered with clarity.

I don’t want to forget the disdain I have for willful ignorance. I don’t want to forget the selfishness we’re exhibiting in our constant display of self-interest being more important than our collective responsibility to community. I want a point of reference should I lose my way in this capitalistic nightmarish hellscape of survival.

While keeping this in the forefront of my mind, I’m also making room to take care of mental state and not letting this consume me to the point of my own health failing. How have I been managing to do this? Limiting my use of social media even more, while redirecting my focus when I am checking in… and sharing less of my thoughts publicly online. I’ve still been writing but once we make something public, we invite others to have an opinion. Yes, I know we can say meaningless shit like “MY PAGE/PROFILE, MY RULES!” but when we make our thoughts/content/lives available to others the only thing we can choose is whether we respond… or turn off all the comments. Either way, I could have just kept my words to myself if I REALLY didn’t want outside views. And it’s okay to want our words just for ourselves… because I also sometimes don’t feel like reminding anyone that no one MUST respect other opinions, warranted or otherwise.

Moving on…

There are so many things I want to accomplish before I say my final goodbye to this earthly existence. I’m in my second half of life and despite the world being in flames around me, I think I still have a little space left to enjoy some life. Before we get to 100% survival of the apocalypse and dystopian society Octavia Butler prophesied about in her writings, I can still make attempts to thrive.

During the month of July, I had meaningful conversations with friends that I will never forget. Talking about family, friends, trauma, parenting, our worst fears, our unlived dreams. What is etched in my memory is how their voices sounded as they talked about their hopes and fears; their faces as they contorted from hopelessness to excitement and from exhaustion to acceptance. These are priceless memories that effortlessly bled into August.

As I keep doing the work to heal the parts of me that hurt the most, it’s getting easier to spend less time ruminating on tough conversations I need to have. It’s getting easier to choose better for myself instead of falling back into what’s familiar. What’s surprised me the most is how easy it’s becoming to LET GO without my usual diet of emotional suppression added to the recipe of detachment. When I was younger, I used to quickly let go and move on… or at least that’s what I was telling myself so I wouldn’t have to accept how deeply my feelings were hurt. Suppression should have been my middle name. However, you can only push shit down so much before it starts corrupting parts of yourself you don’t want tampered with… I often say my daughter has been my major catalyst for change and I mean it 100%.

I don’t think I should keep her as a crutch for my progress because that isn’t consistently healthy. What happens when she no longer needs me as an example of decency the way she does now? Then what reason will I have to stay physically/mentally healthy? What would stop me from going back to the dysfunction I knew best? As I’ve changed my habits and patterns it becomes more clear that there’s a reason that people change AND ONLY MAINTAIN THEIR CHANGE when they do it for themselves instead of another person. These last few months have been full of me accepting that even though my daughter was the reason for my change, I’m the reason I don’t go back to what’s comfortable, easy, and familiar. All this work I’ve done over the last 15 years… I think about how it will literally be for nothing if I don’t accept that I continue to do this for myself. As I tackle all of the hard things and don’t feel completely torn to shreds inside anymore, I accept that I don’t want to feel the opposite of this ever again. I’ve gotten to a place of developing healthy emotional processes, space to feel whatever I want for however long I need to, and freedom to move on from people who don’t want a healthier version of me. It’s no longer optional. It’s a necessity.

And THIS is why I KNOW I can let go of anything and everyone that is no longer good for me.

That’s really what July, August, and hopefully September will continue to be about.

LETTING GO AND MOVING ON… to whatever better I can grasp for myself.

Memento Mori: December 2023

My birth month has come and gone. Entering December came a little faster than I wanted.

I turned 44 years old last month and it doesn’t feel any different than 43 but that’s life. I’ve only had a few birthdays when something felt significantly different. I owe those to major life changes that happened within the prior year. I will say something that happened in the last year that feels different is acknowledgement from a couple of people that felt more genuine than I’ve ever felt in my life. Sometimes people say things because they think they’re supposed to and I can feel that obligatory energy. It’s not even difficult to describe because it’s very different from someone specifically stating things in detail that let you know they SEE you.

For instance, I have friends who tell me that I am a good mother but… WHY are YOU saying I’m a good mother? Because of the obvious? I make sure Bug is fed, clothed, educated, and loved. That’s legit basic low level parenting shit. Not to downplay it but I’m supposed to do that regardless of what life throws at me. However, when someone says something detail oriented that indicates they have been closely paying attention to what I do as a mother/parent? It’s hella different.

A close friend recently acknowledged some heavy life shit that I have been dealing with alone. They apologized for not being as present of a friend in the last few years of me dealing with getting divorced, losing a parent, moving across country, raising a child with no familial support (solidarity), having a major surgery, finishing up my bachelors degree, and having chronic illnesses. Even typing that out was a bit exhausting. I must be honest and say I haven’t processed my father’s death or this stupid, fucking divorce that took far too long to be over and done with. I haven’t processed a lot of the 44 years I’ve lived that involve traumatic ass shit because I haven’t had the space to just fucking fall to pieces.

I don’t advise anyone to suppress heavy shit. It’s so fucking draining and little bits of your unprocessed shit will either start randomly leaking out or you’ll full blown bleed all over anyone who gets close to you. We can have the attitude that we don’t have time to sit and work through shit because we gotta pay these bills, feed these children, and keep one foot in front of the other. We’re only fooling ourselves into putting off the inevitable breakdown that’s coming. This Memento Mori reminds me to fully live the rest of my life as I wind down to the eternal nap and in doing that, I have to acknowledge all of the life that I’m refusing to process. With that being said, I’m going to be open to more moments of tears, talking about how I feel, and asking (fuck that, begging) the universe to align me with people who don’t act like they’re allergic to feeling and having all the emotions.

I also watched Indiana Jones: Dial of Destiny and cried at the end. My dad loved Indiana Jones but also when Indy’s goddaughter “selfishly” told him he couldn’t stay in 215 B.C. before punching him in the jaw? Seeing her moment of vulnerability that was saying Indy you can’t stay here because I NEED YOU, is what made me cry. Indy was being a crotchety old fuck, acting like he didn’t need or care about anyone but he just needed a reminder that HE was cared about too.

And that’s also what I need in December… to be FULLY reminded (see: SHOW ME) by more people that I’m cared about because I don’t feel it most days… and it could just be these stupid as fuck perimenopausal hormones but I got a good 40-50 years left in me. I can afford to keep saying I want to be cared about until the very end.

It’s true that we cannot solve our problems with the same tools that created them so I have to clean out my emotional tool box. All of the sensitive parts of me might feel like foil on fillings but eventually those silver bitches get replaced with something healthier and more sustainable. Eventually, I won’t cringe at all of the things that once triggered me because I’ll learn how to manage all the emotions I steered clear of for so long. So December, give me your best shot at making me feel.