Memento Mori: November 2020

November’s my birth month, when my favorite season begins and when hella people celebrate Thanksgiving. I grew up not celebrating my birthday. It’s a Jehovah's Witness thing. The very first time I had a birthday party was when I turned 22 years old. It was a surprise, and I struggled with feelings of gratitude (for being thought of) and embarrassment (at the time, I didn’t like surprises).

While I like being thought of by the people closest to me, I’d grown used to my birthday being mistaken for a totally different date, forgotten altogether, or blended into Thanksgiving celebrations. So, I also fell into the mood of not really making a big deal about getting a year older. This year was no exception.

In fact, 2020 had some extra gloom attached to it because of this insufferable as fuck pandemic. However, the kindness of friends AND strangers pushed me out of my funk day by day. The closer I got to being 41, the more they reminded me that there’s still life to live. When 11/22/2020 arrived, I was celebrated in a way that made me momentarily forget about everything that’s been weighing heavy on my body, heart, soul and mind. Literally and figuratively.

I was reminded that I was loved. Now don’t get me wrong, my closest friends don’t wait just until my birthday to make me feel loved. However, some of them made sure in incredibly special ways to remind me that I mattered. Some of them honored our friendship in a way which enforced that time and distance wouldn’t get in the way of our closeness. They remembered me.

I won’t lie… there are lots of times when it does feel like I don’t matter. I have the words for it now, but for a while, I didn’t know this is what depression, anxiety, childhood trauma, and other life-altering shit can do to your mind. However, I began to reflect on all the people who acknowledge me in meaningful ways. This reflection quickly became the gratitude I needed to drag me out of the dark hole I was sinking further into. Sometimes it is excruciatingly difficult to step away from focusing on the people we want to see us, and some of that might be attached to expectations that require adjusting. Oddly, gratitude has a way of making the necessary room for those adjustments.

So, my reminder during November of 2020 is that I DO MATTER.

I hope anyone reading this has people in their life that remind them that they matter… especially on those dark days, weeks, months, and years when it feels like you really don’t.

Here’s to better in December of 2020.